Loving Remus Lupin
by zoeyjadelupin95
Summary: Harry Potter's twin sister finally confesses her love for one much older, much more married man, and has to deal with the consequences. Meanwhile, something's brewing in the wizarding world right under their noses. This is too complicated to summarize.
1. Chapter 1

**Super original title, right? I can't be artsy with story names, sorry. Regardless, I'd like to say a few things before we jump right on in. This is a long-ass author's note and I'm only going to do it once so pay attention people! I love you for it.**

**1. As per usual, I do not own Harry Potter. I'm not going to follow that with a witty "if I did..." quip. I just don't. I can barely say I own my OC because technically she's still the birth child of oldmate Rowling's characters. So, essentially, all I own is the idea, and it's probably a super common one.**

**2. I'm aware that oldmate Potter doesn't have a sister. I'm also aware that, if he did, it would change the integrity of the entire story and things would have been a bit shit. But darlings, remember: this is _fan fiction. _I'm not writing this to gain profit or make people happy, I'm writing it because I wish I were Harry Potter's sister and I knew Remus Lupin in real life. I was honestly gutted at not being accepted to Hogwarts when I turned eleven - you were too.**

**3. Yes, Remus Lupin is forty years old and my OC is a teenager. I beg you to remember that she is eighteen and a consenting adult. For the love of God, do not flame me with shit like, "that's disgusting he's so old!" Some people like the mature older guy. I'm nineteen and I wouldn't hesitate before pouncing on a buff forty-year-old dude. And considering I heard on the radio the other day that two grade six kids had sex and got pregnant, I think the world has bigger problems than my daydreams. I also know that Tonks and Remus died in Deathly Hallows - in my story they didn't, so pipe down Oliver Twist.**

**4. You may notice that each chapter has an oddly long title and may or may not have anything to do with what's actually gone on. I'm using lines from songs - it may be the first line or a hook or part of the chorus. If you can guess what song it is (and I do mean "guess", not "Google it") you win a prize! Jury's still out on what the prize is, though. Up to you. I don't know what a suitable prize is on the Internet, I don't use it much.**

**5. Feel free to "flame me" (that's the term we use on here, right?) if you think my writing is shit. Also if you think my grammar and spelling are appalling. Don't, however, "flame me" if you don't like the idea of the story. In the end, that's down to personal preference, and your personal preference has nothing to do with me. I've read many a retarded fan fiction on here and, rather than putting in my two cents before leaving the page, cursing life and the morons in it, I've just left quietly and left them to their devices. Don't hate on a brother's ideas.**

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><p><strong>FORWARD<strong>

I'm having a pretty terrible day.

I had a fight with my brother, I alienated my best friend, I'm being attacked left right and centre and on top of that, I've lost the man I love for good – if I ever technically had him at all.

But in order to explain these events, I need to go back. Way back.

At the age of thirteen I met my true love. I'm a bit of a pessimist when it comes to romance but I can't argue with the facts. I've seen true love in the people closest to me so I know it's real. I've seen it in the person I'm in love with so I know it's real for me, too. But there's a difference between love and a relationship, and I found that out when I entered into one that was almost entirely devoid of romantic love.

When I was fifteen and realized I was never going to be with the person I was in love with, I was asked out by one of my best friends. Stung by rejection – despite the fact that I hadn't even made a move – I accepted. Two years later and I was still in love with the wrong person and my boyfriend finally figured it out. It was around the time the war ended and it took some reparation to get things back to where they were before we tried to date, but six months went by and we were just like best friends again.

I still hadn't made any ground though, largely due to my crippling fear of actual rejection but also because he was now married with a child.

It all changed, though, when I made one error in judgment.

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><p><strong>CHAPTER ONE: SHE SAID, "I'VE GOTTA BE HONEST, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME IF YOU'RE FISHING 'ROUND HERE."<strong>

"Hollie?"

It took a moment to register that someone was talking to me. I was staring again. I did that a lot whenever Remus Lupin was in the room.

"Sorry," I grinned nervously. "What were we talking about?"

"You said you had news."

I frowned. "I did?"

Mental blank. I had those a lot, too. I struggled trying to remember what I was meant to be reporting back to the Order, because yes, the Order was still up and running. Despite Voldemort's obvious non-existence, the Death Eaters were still running rampant through the city, causing as much mayhem as possible, trying to take as many people down with them as they could.

Luckily for us, Death Eaters were much more manageable without a noticeable leader. They just floated around starting fires and attacking people at random with no real cause, which was good for us in a way. Although they were far less predictable, they were also stupid.

"You came into the house two days ago talking about how you had fantastic news," Harry reminded me.

"Right," I nodded. "Give me a few minutes and I'll inform everyone."

"Can't have been that good if you've forgotten," Hermione smiled sarcastically. I poked my tongue out at her in response, really highlighting how much I hadn't changed in the faces of all those that had.

Harry was now, for lack of a better word, happy. All the time. He was cheerful as anything. I knew it probably had something to do with Ginny Weasley, whom he had finally started dating on a permanent basis, but it was also to do with the lack of Voldemort in his life. Regardless, it kind of creeped me out. I'd gotten so used to him being a miserable git that his sudden change of demeanour had taken everyone by surprise.

By the same token, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley, who had finally started dating, were happier as a result. Hermione was more carefree and less strung-out but had gotten a job at the Ministry of Magic, so her obsession with schoolwork had progressed to an actual obsession with work.

Ron was the same as ever – light-hearted and witty.

I, on the other hand, had remained the same. My own two best friends, my personal answers to Ron and Hermione (although thankfully not dating), were still very much the same. They were more mature, surprisingly enough, but definitely the same.

"HOLLIE!"

"Fuck!" I yelled. "Sorry! About the swearing, I mean. And for not paying attention. The swearing was a knee-jerk reaction."

Remus chuckled lightly. "You're forgiven. Just stop drifting off, we keep asking for input."

"Input on what?"

"On any ideas you might have for future patrols."

I looked around the table. It was just Harry, Ginny, Ron, Hermione, Neville, Remus and I. There were obviously other order members, but they only really attended meetings that were called for a higher purpose than discussing theoreticals.

"Right," I nodded. "Patrols. Yes. You know, I have no idea why you're asking me."

"You know muggle London the best," Remus shrugged.

"I'm sure Hermione knows it just as well."

She shook her head in response. "You spend most of your time wandering around; I'm surprised you haven't been jumped by rogue Death Eaters by now."

"Hermione," I laughed. "All Death Eaters are rogue."

Remus laughed again. I was sure it was about being polite, given how polite he always was, but the sound made me close my eyes and sigh deeply, savouring it. I know they all noticed, Remus especially, but nobody had ever questioned it in three years of me doing it, so I didn't push the matter.

"I suppose we can all go home then," Remus sighed, pulling together his bits of parchment. The rest of us sat there, eyebrows raised. The only person at the table besides Remus that didn't live in the house on Grimmauld Place was Neville.

"By 'we all'," Remus said. "I mean Neville and myself. I've got a teething baby and a wife at her wits end waiting for me at home."

My heart sank slightly as he mentioned Teddy and Tonks but I smiled and got out of my seat, stretching and yawning widely. "Enjoy that. In the meantime, I've got coffee plans."

"It's eleven o'clock!" Ron said, clearly horrified at the idea of being anywhere besides bed at eleven o'clock.

"Thanks for that, Alice Braithwaite Goodyshoes," I grumbled. "People do go out after eleven sometimes."

Ron stared blankly at me. "I'm not even going to try to understand that reference."

I shrugged in response, walking through the hallway to grab my coat and make a swift exit before –

"Wait, Hollie, I'll walk out with you!"

Too late.

Remus smiled at me as he grabbed his own coat and put it on. It wasn't quite as tattered as his old one due to the removal of the anti-werewolf legislation making it easier for him to keep a steady job, but he still had a family to provide for and his options were still limited.

"Where are you off to? Is there a place open for coffee this late?"

"Of course," I nodded as we walked into the chilled air. It was February so winter was on its way out but it was still definitely scarf-and-woollen-gloves weather.

He laughed. "And where might that be?"

"Stokers. It's in London in one of the side-alleys. Brilliant pancakes and better coffee."

"Who do you go with?"

At that moment, my mobile phone vibrated. It had been a stretch trying to get Seamus and Dean to use them, having worked without muggle technology for so long, but they'd finally decided to do it for my own sanity. The text was short – "we can't make it".

"Nobody," I sighed, stopping in my place and starting to turn around. "I've been cancelled on."

"Well wait a minute," Remus grabbed my arm. "I could use a nightcap before I go home. Mind if I join you?"

I opened my mouth to respond but nothing came out immediately. Coffee with Remus? I hadn't so much as had breakfast with Remus Lupin alone, and that's something you do with grandparents and estranged aunts (or so I thought).

"Uh…"

Remus shrugged. "It can't do much harm, right?"

_Not to you, _I thought to myself.

"Of course not," I smiled, grabbing his forearm and apparating without warning.

Stokers was a quaint café open until two o'clock in the morning on a Friday and Saturday night. There was an open fire sat in the middle of the room, much like a bonfire, and comfortable polished benches scattered around the room. It was beautiful and warm and usually a source of relaxation for me. That night, however, stress was high.

We both ordered – cappuccino, considering that was my regular order and Remus didn't drink coffee often – and sat there in silence, Remus looking around happily and me sitting stiffly wringing my hands in my lap.

"Are you nervous?"

"Yes."

The word came out before I had a chance to think about it and I immediately regretted it for the pleasantly confused smile that graced Remus's face.

"You are?" He asked. "Why would you be nervous?"

Again, I sighed. "We don't do this, Remus. We don't sit down and have coffee. We don't even spend time alone. Harry always admired you and thought of you as family but it's a little more complicated than that for us."

He nodded, thoughtful. "I see why you would think that. But I do want you to be able to think of me as family, Hollie."

At this, I scrunched up my face in both pain and frustration. I'd forgotten how perceptive Remus Lupin always was and how he could read emotions on a face like I could read words on a page. It was becoming less and less of an innocent conversation and he realised that now.

"You don't want to think of me as family?"

I bit my lip. Suddenly I was thinking back to a conversation I'd had with Seamus only two weeks prior.

"_You should tell him."_

"_Tell him what?" I laughed. "Tell him that, despite his wife and child, I am madly in love with him and I want him for myself? That's a ludicrous idea!"_

_Seamus shrugged. "Why? You're eighteen now, you're out of school, you're more attractive and mature than you were when you were fifteen –"_

"_Excuse me, you were quite happy to date me at fifteen!"_

"_But I was also fifteen," he pointed out._

"_Touché."_

"_Just tell him. You'll feel better."_

"_Or I'll be rejected," I countered. "And I'll feel worse for a really long time."_

_He laughed and shook his head at me. "Of course he'll reject you – he's married! But you'll at least have the comfort of knowing that he knows and you'll be able to move on."_

I never thought that conversation would suddenly be valid but there I was, faced with a choice. Do I tell Remus how I feel after five long years of hiding it shamelessly, taking some chance of closure for myself? Or do I leave it be?

"What's going on in that head of yours?" Remus asked. "You're always thinking so hard."

"I'm in love with you, Remus."

For the second time in five minutes, my brain-to-mouth filter had failed me. I slapped my hand over my mouth the second it slipped out and Remus's jaw dropped. "What?"

I clenched my teeth. "In love. Me. With you."

Silence.

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><p><strong>A couple of things before we finish up:<strong>

**This is going to be _long. _At least, I hope it will be. I usually have trouble drawing things out and not trying to fit fifty events into one chapter. And please be assured that, although it doesn't seem like it now, this story does have an actual plot apart from being a "love story" - please note the inverted quotes.**

**I have no idea what normal chapter length is. This is about two thousand words and I didn't even write essays that long in my first year at university so I thought it'd be okay. It may be too long or too short - I don't know.**

**I'm not going to beg for reviews. I'm writing this for me and not public gratification. If you have any ideas on how I can improve this or you want to guess the song title or whatever, please feel free, but don't feel obligated. And don't post those ridiculous ones that just say, "NEXT CHAPTER PLZZZZ!" I will post it when it's written. This may be tomorrow or next week or next month. Please be patient; uni is just about to start up again and I plan on actually studying.**


	2. Chapter 2

Another chapter for you all, because I felt like the first one was too rubbish to stand alone.

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><p><strong>CHAPTER TWO: YOU'RE COLD WITH DISAPPOINTMENT WHILE I'M DROWNING IN THE NEXT ROOM.<strong>

Laughter was filling my ears as I laid face down in my pillow, groaning with pronounced suffering.

Ginny and Hermione were sat on either side of me on my king sized bed, cackling madly. I'd just relayed my conversation with Remus from the previous night and they, instead of finding it as horrifying as I did, thought it was maddeningly hilarious.

"I can't believe you told him!" Ginny gasped through laughs. "That's completely mental!"

"Your support means everything," I muttered.

"It was quite stupid of you," Hermione said, her laughter not quite as heavy as Ginny's but the grin still permanently planted on her face.

I rolled over onto my back and stared at the ceiling. A head of bushy brown hair and a head of sleek red hair came into my peripheral vision, both of them grinning like the cats that got the life-ruining cream. "What am I meant to do now? I certainly can't face him again."

"Given that he practically runs the Order, I don't think there's much chance of that," Hermione pointed out.

"Throw some ideas at me then. Why do you think you two are here? It's not for your company, that's for sure."

"I don't know why you didn't tell Seamus and Dean first," Ginny said.

"I did. Their reaction was much the same as yours."

Hermione shrugged. "I guess you could pretend it never happened."

"Except it did and he contributed to the conversation. Next!"

"Tell him you were joking?"

"Have you _met _the guy? He's more insightful than Dumbledore; not much chance he'll believe I was kidding. I'm a rotten liar, too."

"Ignore him?"

"How would I do that? He's here _all the time._"

"Hit him?"

"What?" I paused the flow of suggestions. "Why would I hit him?"

Ginny shrugged. "Counteract the love bit with a showing of hatred?"

"Does that even make sense in your head?" Hermione asked.

I sat up and buried my head in my knees. "You guys are not helping at all."

"What do you want us to say?" Hermione asked. "If you didn't want to tell him, Hollie, you shouldn't have told him."

Groaning, I shook my head. "It was like verbal diarrhoea, I just said it without even thinking."

"You weren't even drunk!" Ginny laughed again. "Wait – were you drunk?"

"No!"

"I had to ask!"

"Did I seem drunk to you when I left?"

"You always seem drunk to everyone that ever encounters you."

"I just don't see how that's true."

Hermione raised an eyebrow. "You don't? Hollie, some of the things you say and do have people wondering if you're off your meds."

Glaring at the two of them, I stood up and pulled on my dressing gown. "You guys are no help. I'm going to drown myself in coffee."

"Isn't that how this happened in the first place?"

And I left them cackling away in my room, grumbling about useless friends on my way down the stairs.

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><p>I was sat on the kitchen bench with a mug of coffee when Harry walked into the kitchen, closely followed by Remus and Tonks.<p>

The coffee that was in my mouth ended up sprayed on the unused oven sat in front of me. Remus wasn't any less uncomfortable; his eyes averted and he started rubbing his left arm self-consciously, as though I had done something to violate him in some way.

"Wotcher, Hollie!" Tonks greeted me in her irritating manner.

I actually did like Tonks. Not only was she just an upbeat, funny person, she fought valiantly for Remus and she won him fair and square. I didn't even make an attempt, making her the clearly superior person. She was also a good four or five years older than me, making her a more viable candidate for the almost forty-year-old Remus.

Even then, he argued against it. For months she tried to convince him that they should give things a go – she even battled off depression in the wake of his rejection! Thankfully, I wasn't quite that pathetic.

"Where's Teddy today?" I asked politely, not really all that sure that I cared. Any spawn of Remus's that didn't come from me instantly annoyed me. It didn't even matter that Teddy was adorable and loved me to bits! Actually that's a bit dramatic – I do love Teddy. I just don't love that he's not mine, for many reasons other than the fact that he came from Remus.

"He's with my mum," Tonks said. "He's just started walking, Merlin help her."

I grinned. "No thanks to me, huh?"

"That's okay, everyone loves to carry Teddy everywhere; I'm no exception to the rule!"

"Tonks and Remus stopped by for lunch, Hol. Is that alright?" Harry asked, grabbing himself a butterbeer and handing two more to Remus and Tonks.

"Are you cooking?"

He snorted. "Sure. My cooking skills are unsurpassed by anyone."

"You never know," I shrugged. "You could be the next… well, the next really famous chef."

"That went nowhere."

"Nobody knows famous chefs. The most famous chef I can think of is Tom from the Leaky Cauldron, and he's not famous for the food."

"What is he famous for?"

"I dunno. Owning the Leaky Cauldron?"

"Nobody needs to cook," Tonks laughed, plonking herself down on one of the kitchen stools. "We can just hang out."

My eyebrows shot up into my jet black fringe as I observed the look on Remus's face when Tonks mentioned 'hanging out'. He looked like he was about to throw up and pass out, possibly at the same time. Although it was mildly amusing, knowing that I was the cause of such stress made it somewhat less delicious.

"Actually," I said, removing myself from the bench. "I have errands to run in London today so I better opt out. I'll come over and visit you guys soon though."

"Make sure you do; Teddy keeps asking where auntie Hollie is!"

I raced back up the stairs and into my room, letting out a breath I didn't even know I was holding upon closing the door behind me. I threw my dressing gown on the floor and was just about to remove my pyjamas before someone knocked on the door.

"Can I come in?"

Sighing audibly, I opened the door and let Remus in, gritting my teeth as I shut the door and crossed my arms defensively. "Yes?"

"Please don't."

"Don't what?" I asked innocently.

"First you pretend I don't exist and then you're all hostile like this is all my fault!"

"Like what is all your fault?"

"Are you just going to pretend it didn't happen now?"

I smiled apologetically. "Sorry. I got a few suggestions so I thought I'd give them all a go. On a related note, don't be surprised or offended if I hit you later."

"Suggestions?" Remus asked, disbelief washing over his face. "Other people know about this?"

"Everyone knows, Remus," I shrugged.

"How long has everyone known?"

"I don't know," I said. "About five years. Apparently I don't hide things very well."

"Five years?"

"If we're being exact it's probably a little less than that."

"But that would make you…"

"Thirteen? Yes."

"You can't love someone when you're thirteen."

"You're right," I agreed. "That's why, when Hermione told me it was just a silly schoolgirl crush, I believed her and went on with life as though nothing was different."

"What changed?" Remus asked. He looked worn out already and it had only been a couple of minutes.

"I changed," I said. "I got older. Time passed and it didn't go away. What else was I meant to deduce?"

Remus sighed heavily. "Hollie, surely you know -"

"That nothing can come of this?" I finished. "Yeah, I know. I didn't tell you because I was making a play for you."

"Then why did you?"

I smiled. "Because I thought you should know."

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><p><strong>Yeah. This one is clearly as good as the last. I swear it'll get better! This story has a point! Promise!<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm overwhelmed and pleased by the response to this story thus far. I dunno – I read it and I think it's shit and I have to rewrite it about twenty times before I finally concede defeat and post it anyway. But thank you to all those who left positive feedback or added this to their alerts. And sorry for sounding like a cow in my chapter one author's notes. You know how we Arts majors can be!**

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><p><strong>CHAPTER THREE: WHEN I SAY LET'S KEEP IN TOUCH, I HOPE YOU KNOW I MEAN I WISH THAT YOU'D GROW UP<strong>

The whole Order – all twenty-one of us – sat around the dining table and number twelve, Grimmauld Place. Kingsley Shacklebolt had called an emergency meeting so we'd had a dozen people filing through our front door all at once, hanging up their coats and, in Tonks' case, knocking over a vase.

It was silent as we waited for Kingsley to open the meeting. Usually Remus would do it, but as he had as much of an idea of what was going on as the rest of us, he'd passed the reigns over to Kingsley to do the honours.

The usual faces were here – McGonagall and Slughorn had come in from Hogwarts and Aberforth from his bar in Hogsmeade. Bill had come sans Fleur given that she had to stay and take care of their baby daughter. Charlie hadn't been able to make it but Tonks had left Teddy with her mum again and Luna had shown up hand in hand with Neville. Percy had come with Kingsley, Molly, Arthur and George had rocked up with Angelina in tow.

A lot of people had been added into the Order upon the end of the war. We needed all the hands we could get, after all.

"Thank you all for taking the time to be here tonight," Kingsley began. "And thank you to Hollie and Harry for allowing such an invasion of privacy."

We both shook our heads. "It's never a problem."

"We've received new information about the Death Eater's movements."

"Their movements?" Molly asked, suddenly terrified. "But I thought they were no longer organised?"

Kingsley nodded. "That's what we thought too, Molly, but unfortunately that appears not to be the case."

"So what are their movements?" Remus asked.

"We believe they're planning a hostile takeover."

Harry snorted with laughter, a grin spreading across his face. "A hostile takeover? Why would they even bother? Without Voldemort they're too weak!"

"Don't underestimate them Harry," Remus said. "Just because Voldemort no longer leads them, does not mean they're no longer dangerous. They're simply more reckless. They have very little left to lose."

"I don't even know why we're worrying about this."

"Harry," I whispered, nudging him with my foot. "Just listen."

He stared at me, obviously confused. I would usually be the first to condemn such a ridiculous theory but all of a sudden, everything made sense.

"That news I said I had," I turned to Remus. "The news I forgot. I've just remembered what it was. Antonin Dolohov was sent to Azkaban last week. He attacked me at random in Diagon Alley."

The muttering started around the table. "What do you mean, he attacked you?"

I rolled my eyes. "I mean he pulled his wand on me and started firing curses left, right and centre. Luckily his aim wasn't very good on account of his crazy eyes."

"This is the first we're hearing of this?" Kingsley asked, looking annoyed.

"Sorry, Kingsley," I shrugged. "At the time it wasn't really pertinent to anything. Death Eaters are getting locked up one by one, day by day. It's not an unusual occurrence."

He nodded. "That's what started to worry us. We took one of them into the Ministry yesterday and dosed him with Veritaserum. As it turns out, it's something to worry about."

"Is there going to be a mass breakout?" Hermione asked, gnawing on her fingernails while Ron clasped her spare hand in his.

"It's possible."

"But security is better now," McGonagall argued. "Surely there's enough to ensure they won't get out? Last time it was due to the Dementors having turned on us – what do they have this time to allow that to happen again?"

Kingsley shook his head, sighing. "I wish we knew, Minerva. All we know is that there are plans in motion. I can't pin down exactly what they are just yet but when I can you'll all be the first to know."

"For now," Remus pitched in. "Just stay alert. Every Death Eater you encounter probably has an ulterior motive."

"Other than mortally wounding us, you mean?" Neville said sarcastically, warranting a loud snort from my direction. Everyone turned to stare at me so I held back my grin by chewing on my bottom lip, laughing silently on the inside.

"Just be careful."

Everyone took that as the end of the meeting, so many of us got up out of their seats and made towards the front door.

"I'll be making dinner at our house if anyone would like to come over for a meal," Molly smiled around the table, staring pointedly at me. "Especially you, Hollie dear. You're looking awfully thin."

I had to laugh to myself. I was only as thin as I always had been and it wasn't as though I couldn't provide for myself, but in Molly's eyes, everyone who didn't look as though they'd just eating a large Christmas dinner couldn't be eating properly.

"Sure," I nodded. "I'll come along. God knows I can't live of Harry's cooking forever."

"Oi!" He glared at me. I stared expectantly at him, waiting for some kind of comeback, but he just narrowed his eyes, took Ginny's hand and stalked out of the room, making me laugh at the back of him. He wasn't really mad at me; he himself admitted frequently to being a terrible cook, mostly to get out of ever having to do it. We spent most of our time making sideswipes at each other.

I waited as everyone went out the door, apparating to their destinations one by one, before locking it behind me and apparating to The Burrow.

ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ 

When I arrived, the whole Weasley family and their respective partners were already jumbled into the kitchen, laughing and talking and drinking. Neville and Luna were also there, as well as Remus, strangely absent from Tonks.

"Where's Tonks?" I asked him as I stood next to him. He flinched – he was clearly still reeling a bit from my admission of everlasting love, and I didn't blame him for it. I was only curious as to why it affected him so much. After all, it wasn't as though I'd only just had the feelings; now that he knew that I'd always had them, surely he knew that nothing was going to change?

"She wanted to get home to Teddy," he explained. "She insisted I come for a proper meal."

"Yeah you look like you could use one, Skeletor," I jibed, elbowing his ribs with a laugh.

He shook his head at me. "Do you mind if we step outside to talk for a minute?"

Lips pursed, I rolled my eyes. "If it's about you-know-what, I don't see what's left to say. Everything you could have possibly needed to discuss was discussed last week."

"Please?"

Annoyed but still curious, I followed him into the yard. Nobody paid much attention to us – it wasn't unusual for me to go wandering off with someone alone, given my propensity for talking a lot.

"I'm still a little confused."

"What is there to be confused about?" I asked. "Like I said, everything I needed to say was said. In fact I feel a little bit rotten for telling you in the first place."

Remus looked shocked. "You never wanted me to know?"

"Of course not!"

"Why not?"

"Where would it have gotten me?" I laughed. "It's not as if you'll one day realize that you're madly in love with me and you need to leave Tonks and your baby immediately."

"I wish you'd stop doing that," Remus sighed.

At this, I frowned. "What am I doing, Remus?"

"You keep mentioning Tonks and Teddy like it's the only thing keeping us apart."

"Isn't it?" I said. "What else is there?"

"You're only eighteen, Hollie."

"Sure. I'm also a consenting adult and one of the most mature people you know. You can't argue with that."

"You're also James and Lily's daughter."

I threw my head back and let out a loud hoot of laughter. "You're kidding! My parents have been dead for the majority of my life! You can hardly use that against me."

"What's wrong with boys your own age?" Remus asked.

"Did you forget the time I dated Seamus Finnigan for two years?" I smirked. "That didn't work out too well."

Remus nodded thoughtfully. "What happened?"

"He realised I was in love with you."

He sighed again, clearly exasperated. "You can't let it control your life, Hollie!"

"I'm not!" I grinned at him, a little bit shocked at his reaction. "You're the one who keeps bringing it up!"

"Because I don't know what to think about it!" He said, his voice raised.

I frowned at him. "What do you mean? What is there to think about, Remus?"

Remus stopped dead. For the first time since he'd found out, he had nothing to counter with, nothing left to say. His head dropped slightly and his eyes averted, looking at his shoes, a rock on the floor, a tree in the distance, anywhere but at me. He seemed… ashamed.

"I shouldn't feel confused about this, right?"

Shrugging, I exhaled loudly. "I should say not, but I honestly have no idea."

"I shouldn't," he shook his head. "I have a wife… a baby…"

"Then what are you confused about?"

He sighed again, and when his eyes met mine I could tell he was scared. "Hollie, I didn't feel the way I should have felt when you told me you loved me. I should have felt annoyed or concerned or something in that area of the emotional spectrum."

"What _did_ you feel?"

I waited with baited breath, hardly daring to dream that he was about to say what I thought he was about to say. It was ludicrous, ridiculous, absolutely mental to think he was about to say that.

"I felt… sad."

_Unexpected, _I thought to myself.

"Sad?"

"Sad."

"I don't understand."

Remus turned to look at me. "I was sad that I didn't know you twenty years ago."

ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ

For days I didn't sleep. Instead, I stared up at the ceiling, hardly daring to dream that what he'd said was actually what he meant.

I knew he was confused about everything. How would you feel if a barely legal teenage girl told you she was in love with you? You'd obviously be confused about where your completely platonic relationship with her was going to go now. You'd be worried about it.

But Remus said he wished that he'd known me before. I could only guess at what that meant.

"He's off his rocker," Seamus told me from the other end of the phone line. "Don't think anything of it."

"Shut up, Seamus, he's totally sane."

Seamus snorted. "In that case, there's two ways you can interpret it. Either he wishes he'd known you twenty years ago so he could convince you that he's definitely not the guy for you, or…"

"Or?" I said, clicking my tongue impatiently.

"_Or _he wishes he knew you twenty years ago so he'd have a real shot with you."

"Why would he want that?" I asked, frustrated. "What does it _mean, _Seamus?"

He sighed, getting as annoyed at me as I was at him. "I don't fucking know, Hollie, I'm not a mind reader! It's likely that it means that your confession of love awoke feelings in him that he's always had for you but always suppressed."

I grinned into the phone, but Seamus cut me off before I could say anything. "But it could just as likely mean nothing. He only just found out, Hollie; give him some time to sort himself out."

"You're such a killjoy."

"That's why you come to me for advice and not Dean, right?"

"Dean is useless," I laughed. "He'd tell me that Remus is madly in love with me and I should go for it just so he could talk about his own love life for a while."

"Dean has a love life?"

"Oh yeah," I said. "Didn't you hear? He's got a new girlfriend."

Seamus gasped. "WHO? How come you found out before I did?"

I was silent and I bit my lip, scrunching up my face as Seamus realised. "DON'T TELL ME YOU CALLED HIM FIRST?"

"Sorry Seamus," I laughed. "I've gotta go. Stay excellent!"

"DON'T HANG U-"

Sighing, I laid back onto my pillows, smiling up at the ceiling and closing my eyes.

I knew Remus was only feeling what he was feeling temporarily. I knew I couldn't make a move on a married man, especially given that his wife was a dear friend of mine. I knew that using this small window of opportunity to my advantage was wrong. I knew I wasn't a bad person.

Do you think something that trivial would ever stop me? 

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><p><strong>Wow, I hope Hollie doesn't turn into a total bitch or anything. Certainly seems to be looking that way. <strong>

**Also, the first two songs from the chapter titles were Dashboard Confessional's "As Lovers Go" and Blink 182's "Stockholm Syndrome". I've decided that if you'd like to guess, you can Google it – my music taste is a little eclectic. Still no word on what your prize will be – maybe I'll let you read the next chapter before it goes public? Would anyone want to? If that's the case, first in best dressed!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Fun Fact! Hollie is named after two Blink 182 songs (although I listen to them as one song) - "Easy Target" and "All of This". Go look them up if you get a moment - they're actually quite befitting to where this story is headed. That's not intentional, of course; I was just listening to "All of This" today and realised how appropriate it was. **

**Onwards!**

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER FOUR: IF YOU'RE USING ME, DO IT SLOWLY, MAKE IT LAST UNTIL I HAVE TO GO<strong>

For a week, Remus avoided me.

I wasn't sure if it was to do with my over-analysis of his emotions or the impending full moon. My head believed the latter but my heart was telling me that it was definitely my fault. He didn't attend Order meetings, sending Tonks in his place instead.

So, rather than getting on with things as I had done for five years, I moped around the house. I barely saw the others – it felt like even Harry was hiding from me.

On a Friday afternoon I went wandering through the house in one of my moods when I stumbled upon Harry sitting on Sirius's bed, back against the headboard and a photograph clasped in his hands. I knew which one it was without looking at it – there was only one photograph in Sirius Black's bedroom that wasn't bolted to the walls.

"Hey."

He looked up and smiled at me. "Hey, Hol."

"Mind if I join you?"

"Why would I mind?"

I sat down next to him and placed my hand over his, staring down at the photograph. It was of Sirius, Remus and my father back when they were at school. Their arms were around each other and they were laughing. Sirius was grinning the widest.

"You've been avoiding me," I said.

Harry sighed. "Kind of."

"Why?"

"Because," he shrugged. "I don't want to have to talk to you about Lupin."

I laughed. "Who said you had to?"

"That's all anyone's talking about. I can't deal with it."

"Who's talking about it?"

"Seamus," he said. "Ginny and Hermione. Even Ron's making comments."

"What kind of comments?" I asked.

He shrugged again. "You know. The comments Ron makes."

"That's comforting."

"I don't like it, Hollie. He's too old for you. He's married."

I sighed, exasperated. "I know all this, Harry! Don't you think I've thought this through? The heart wants what it wants, regardless of factors like marital status or age."

Harry stared at me, somewhere between confused and annoyed.

We did look alike. His green eyes were identical to mine. Our hair was the same precise shade of black, although mine was obviously longer and curlier. Our skin was pale and clear, our mouths were the same shape and even our noses would have been the same had he not taken a few punches as a kid. It was eerie sometimes, looking at us.

"You're not going to go after him, right?"

When I didn't respond, Harry jumped up from the bed and glared at me. "You know how wrong it is, Hollie. What about Tonks? What about Teddy? Have you considered their feelings?"

"Has anyone considered mine?" I asked quietly.

"What are you talking about?" He said angrily. "You won't let people forget about your feelings!"

I shook my head at him. "I spent five years of my life completely okay with the fact that I was never going to be with the person I loved. One week ago, I found out that all hope was not lost. What do you want me to do?"

I think he knew that there was nothing to argue about. I had this habit of doing whatever I wanted regardless of consequences or better advice and, although it drove the people around me absolutely nuts, they didn't bother trying to stop me. What point would there be? I couldn't be argued with.

Harry seemed to relax and he sat back down. "Are you worried about the Death Eaters?"

"I guess," I said. "Although until we know what we're meant to be worried about I don't know how much good it'll do."

"All these patrols are a little pointless," Harry admitted.

"Maybe not," I shrugged. "Maybe patrolling means we find out what they're up to and we can put a stop to it."

"Or maybe they're not planning anything and we're wasting our time."

I smiled. "See? There's a realm of possibilities."

"You're going to pursue him, aren't you?"

The smile didn't leave my face but my eyes said everything. I knew they were filled with guilt. I knew because I could see the disappointment washing over Harry's face.

"I just want to understand."

ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ 

When Remus finally showed up for an Order meeting, he looked terrible. It was as though he hadn't slept for days; he always looked worn out but this time he actually looked sleep-deprived.

He said nothing. Tonks led the meeting and Remus sat there with nothing to add. I didn't say anything either – I was just observing the once lively man before me, wondering if I had done this to him or if he really wasn't sleeping. Either way, I was positive I was the cause.

"Thanks everyone for coming," Tonks concluded the meeting. "I'm heading off to my mum's house for tonight if you need to reach me."

I frowned. "You guys are going to stay with your mum? How come?"

"Not us," Tonks smiled. "Just me and Teddy. Remus hasn't been sleeping so we're giving him a couple of days to rejuvenate."

Nodding, I forced out a smile. "Why hasn't he been sleeping?"

"I don't think my sleeping habits are really anything of consequence," Remus muttered before stalking out of the room and into the hallway.

I wasn't hurt by his abruptness – I was more intrigued by it – but Tonks seemed to think I would be and placed a hand on my shoulder before she followed her husband out. "Don't think anything of it. He's been a bit irritable the last week or so. I'm sure he'll apologise for it later."

I smiled again and Tonks left the room as well. Harry and I were the only ones left sitting at the table, and he was staring at me, expecting me to say or do something. I avoided his gaze as much as I could – we didn't really have a twin-like connection but he could always tell when I was about to do something I knew was wrong.

"Harry," Ginny popped her head around the corner. "Ron, Hermione and I were going to go out for tea. Did you lot want to come?"

"I hardly think two of us constitutes a 'lot'," I said, grinning at Harry as he rolled his eyes.

"Sure," Harry said. "What about you, Hollie?"

Shaking my head, I yawned widely. "No thanks. I'm a bit exhausted; I don't think I could stand leaving the house."

Harry narrowed his eyes at me but said nothing. He stood, followed Ginny out of the room and left me to my thoughts. I already knew what I was about to do but I was desperately trying to justify doing it, so I sat there for about five minutes thinking it through.

Finally, unable to waste any more time, I ran upstairs to my room and grabbed my coat, checking that I looked presentable before I slammed the door behind me. Harry, Ginny and the others must have left already because the house was dead silent – for this, I was thankful.

Taking a deep breath, I apparated, and landed right in the middle of a poorly lit street.

It wasn't all that familiar – I'd only visited Remus and Tonks at their house a handful of times when I was babysitting Teddy. Thinking of him, I started to feel a bit queasy, but I soldiered on, determined to make it to the end of the street.

From the outside of his – _their _– house, I could tell it was only dimly lit by a few flickering candles. Remus didn't like the harshness of electric light and I doubt Tonks did either, having come from a family that lived in a primarily wizarding fashion. Although her father had been a muggle, he had adjusted very well to the lifestyle that marrying Andromeda Black had entailed.

I focused on breathing steadily as I knocked on the door.

"Who is it?"

I closed my eyes as I heard his voice. It was a bit raspy, assumingly due to his exhaustion, but still beautiful. "It's Hollie."

Silence.

"I know you probably don't want to hear from me," I said through the door. "I know you're probably mad at me. I know I should probably leave you alone to sort your thoughts out but above all else you're still my friend, Remus, and as all my friends know, I'm a bit of a pain in the arse with little regard for what you actually want."

I waited and, as I'd hoped, the door opened and Remus was standing there, looking utterly defeated. "Come in."

The candles that lit the house were scattered across the hallway and living room, but we entered the kitchen where there was no light. Remus lit a large candle and dropped it in the middle of the bench, staring at me as he did so. "I'm fine, Hollie."

"Yeah, I could tell by the way you were a real social butterfly at the meeting tonight."

"It's none of your concern."

"Remus," I laughed. "Of course it's my concern! When a friend of mine is upset or annoyed, I want to know about it! Don't go thinking you're an exception; if anything, you're less of an exception."

He was frowning at me. "You don't want to know."

"Sure I do."

"You'll think it's silly."

"Of course I will. I think everything's silly."

Clearly beaten, he sighed as he sat down beside me and closed his eyes. "I just keep thinking about your father."

Of all the answers I'd been expecting, that was not it.

"My father?" I asked. "Why would you be thinking about him?"

"I keep wondering what he'd say to me if he were alive."

I nodded, still without the vaguest idea of what he was talking about. "Sure. But… say about what?"

"About you," Remus clarified, obviously surprised I hadn't made it there on my own.

"Why would he say anything to you? If anything he'd be saying it to me," I said.

"But _you're _not hurting _me_," Remus said. "It's the other way around."

The confused frown on my face straightened out to absolute comprehension. "You think you're hurting me?"

"Hollie," Remus sighed. "You say you've loved me for five years. In that time I've ignored you for one of them and gotten married in another. You can't tell me that didn't hurt you."

I started laughing. "Remus, of course it hurt! But it's not like you knew I was in love with you and consciously did it to hurt me. Don't tell me this is what you've been losing sleep over?"

"I knew you'd laugh at me," he grumbled, glowering at me.

"I warned you," I chuckled. "There's very little I take seriously."

He snorted. "I don't know how you can be so cavalier about all this. If it's messing with my head I don't know how it's not doing the same to yours."

"I got over that after the first year," I grinned, shaking my head at Remus's deadly serious look. "Oh come on, Remus. Stop being such a wuss about this."

At this point, he couldn't help but smile. "I'm not being a wuss, I'm being realistic."

"Oh yes, very realistic, worrying about what my dead father would say to you if he knew I was in love with you."

"Okay, so that part isn't realistic. I'm still worried about you."

"There's absolutely nothing to worry about. Actually, you should probably be worried about yourself."

Remus frowned. "Why should I be worried about myself?"

I smiled softly. "Aren't you wondering why I came here?"

"To check up on me?" He said hopefully.

"Well, yes," I agreed. "But obviously that's not the only reason."

"What happened to, 'you're my friend first and foremost'?"

"Well that's true. For the moment."

It only took him a second to catch on before he was out of his seat and staring down at me, a mixture of fear and anticipation on his face. "Hollie, no."

"No what?" I laughed. "I haven't even told you yet."

"I can guess."

"That takes the fun out of it though."

His breath was shaky as I stood up and approached him. He didn't move like I expected him too so I was suddenly inches away from him.

"Hollie…"

"Look," I whispered. "I don't want anything from you. I know how wrong this is. All I want is one kiss, Remus."

"Why?"

"A kiss can make or break anything," I explained. "If I kiss you and feel nothing, I'm cured. If I kiss you and feel something, it's obvious that I'm not imagining this. Similarly, if _you _kiss _me _and feel something, you know there's something there as well."

He looked absolutely terrified as I inched closer. "But I'm not expecting that to be the case. I expect to feel nothing. I expect to leave here free to live my life without you."

In reality, I didn't expect that at all. I knew what kissing him would mean – I knew he'd start to feel it too as well as I knew that he wasn't losing sleep because of my father. It was a horrific trick, something I never thought myself capable of, but there I was, standing in front of him, playing it.

"Just one kiss," he said.

I could barely contain my excitement as I nodded in agreement. "Just one."

I reached a hand up to his face. His eyes closed as my cold fingers touched his warm cheek. My breathing became shallow. I stood on the tips of my toes to reach him. My lips parted, my eyes fluttered shut…

* * *

><p><strong>That seems like a rather cruel place to leave it, but leave it I shall. I'm way too exhausted to bother with trying to come up with another thousand or so words. But thank you to everyone who added this to favourites or alerts or whatever – I hope you're enjoying it.<strong>

**Also, the song from chapter three was Brand New's "Mix Tape". They are an epic band, let me tell you. Don't forget to guess the song name from each chapter – if you do, you get to read the next chapter before it gets published! And no, I won't be an asshole and send you the chapter write before I post it. That would defeat the purpose.**

**Until next time!**


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER FIVE: SNEAKY INTENTIONS WITH CERTAIN DELIGHT**

"Oh my God."

It was all Hermione had been able to say in the whole hour we had been at Seamus's house. I'd planned to go alone to tell them the news but she'd caught me on the way out and wanted to know why there was a certain spring in my step. I'd told her that she'd have to follow me to Seamus's house in order to find out but that she definitely wouldn't like it.

Dean was in fits of laughter and Seamus was shaking his head and smiling knowingly. It was exactly what I thought they'd do and it made me feel good that I knew what to expect from my friends after all this time.

"Oh my God."

"Stop, Hermione!" I yelled, frustrated. "It's not the end of the world."

"It's the end of the world as we know it!" She exclaimed.

I had to laugh through my annoyance. "Nothing has changed."

"You've changed," she pointed out. "You're so happy and glowy!"

"In that case, you have my sincerest apologies for being in a good mood."

"Not to interrupt your thrilling conversation," Dean cut in. "But what happened afterwards?"

I smiled as I remembered. I'd kissed Remus and it had been everything I'd hoped for. I won't bombard you with clichés but there were definite fireworks when our lips finally touched and I knew he felt it too. At first he hadn't really responded and I didn't expect him to – after all, it wasn't his wife kissing him. But I gave him a few seconds and finally his arms had snaked around my waist and pulled me closer.

It was insatiable. Days later I was still imagining the feel, trying to savour it for as long as I possibly could. Every time I closed my eyes I was back in that moment and I wanted that feeling to last forever.

"Hollie?"

Whoops. "Sorry. What?"

"What happened after?"

Dean and Seamus were staring at me with deep interest and Hermione was in the corner of the room, her face partially covered by her hands as though she didn't really want to hear it. Her curiosity would get the better of her but for now she was momentarily horrified.

"Nothing much," I said coyly. "He didn't say anything; he just kind of looked a bit stunned."

"So what did you do?" Asked Seamus eagerly.

"I left."

Clearly, that wasn't what they were expecting. "You left?"

"Yep."

Hermione let out a loud laugh. "You just left? That was it? You didn't say anything? You just walked out the door?"

"Precisely."

"Why would you do that?"

I shrugged. "In part, because I thought it'd be more elusive if I did that. He's had the kiss and now he doesn't know quite what to do with himself."

"And the other part?"

"I guess I just don't want to know what comes next," I said. "I want to savour this for as long as I can. I can't do that if he's spoiling it with words."

Seamus and Dean snorted from their seats and Seamus's desk. I was laying on Seamus's bed, my head hanging over edge and my hair cascading down the side to touch the floor. I closed my eyes again and I was there, in that moment, our lips inches from each other's…

"Can you stop zoning out please?"

Seamus looked exasperated. "I thought we'd moved on."

"Hermione asked you a question."

I looked over at her. She was still frowning but her eyes held interest. "What are you going to do now?"

I thought about it for a moment.

What was I going to do? Sure, he'd agreed to kiss me in hopes of putting my feelings to rest, completely unaware that I'd had no intention of leaving that house less in love with him than I had been when I'd entered. That was a bit of trickery on my part and I felt mildly guilty about it but the result was absolutely worth it.

Still, despite the evident chemistry between us, I knew he'd never leave Tonks and risk hurting her and Teddy. Despite that, I wasn't willing to not try. That just wasn't my style.

"I have no idea," I answered eventually. "I guess I wait for him to make a move."

Dean snorted. "He's not going to make a move, Hollie; he's married. He's going to be uncomfortable as arse around you until you do something to change that. Even though he holds the cards it's still your move."

"Don't be ridiculous," I snapped, well aware that Dean made sense but unwilling to accept that I had to do anything more than what I'd already done. Although I was happy with what had come out of that night, I didn't want to have to do anything else that would make me even more morally bankrupt than I already was.

He simply shrugged it off, used to my overreactions. Seamus, however, wasn't going to let it go that easily. "Come on, Hollie. You knew what was going to happen the second you decided to go over there. You knew it was wrong just like you know that whatever you do next is going to be wrong. But you've just got to ask yourself how much you really love him."

"What's that got to do with anything?" Hermione asked.

"It's got everything to do with anything," Seamus said. "There's a fine line between loving him enough to let him live his own life and loving him enough to fight tooth and nail for him, damning all the consequences."

I grimaced. "Shit, that sounds ominous."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "It's simple. Neither option is easy but one is right and one is wrong."

"I don't think either of them is wrong," Dean said.

"You don't think that trying to steal a married man from his wife and child is wrong?" Hermione asked disapprovingly, glaring at Dean as though daring him to disagree.

Unfortunately for Hermione, Dean had been friends with me for eight years. "When you put it that way it sounds wrong. But then again, Tonks knew that Hollie was in love with Remus when she started pursuing him. Nobody told her that she did anything wrong."

I sat up. "She knew?"

"_Of course _she knew," Seamus said. "Everyone knew. The only person that didn't know was Remus himself, apparently, and I think he even had some inkling."

"How the fuck did everyone know? Am I that bad at hiding my feelings?"

Seamus, Dean and Hermione burst into peals of laughter. I rolled my eyes but figured that answered my question – I was absolutely horrible at hiding how I felt.

"Regardless," Hermione said once she'd caught her breath. "Tonks wasn't _stealing _Remus from anyone. Hollie never staked a claim."

"Now we're talking about him like he's merchandise!" I whined, unhappy with the direction the conversation was taking. I had been perfectly content _not _thinking about the future and spending every waking second in the past with Remus and his perfect lips. These three seemed intent on taking that from me.

"Can I just savour this?" I sighed. "Can you just let me have this one perfect moment?"

Seamus started laughing again. "Hollie, it would have been perfect if he hadn't been cheating on his wife. You know he feels bad about it."

"Hence me wanting to savour it," I said pointedly.

"Okie dokie," he raised his hands defensively, officially bowing out of the conversation. I was glad for Seamus – he always knew when to back off.

I turned my glare to Hermione and Dean. "Are you two done now? Can I be left in peace?"

They both smiled and Hermione shook her head at me, as if to say that there was no peace for me now.

It annoyed me that she was right.

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"Three Death Eaters have broken out of Azkaban."

Gasps echoed around the room, coupled with a few groans emitting from the men of the Order. Remus was there sans Tonks but he was consciously avoiding my gaze. Surprisingly, though, he didn't look quite as terrible as he had last time I'd seen him. He looked well rested for a man who'd turned into a rampaging werewolf three days ago.

"Was one of them Antonin Dolohov?" I asked.

Kingsley nodded. "Along with Amycus Carrow and Rodolphus Lestrange."

"That conceited, cocksure son of a bitch," I hissed under my breath.

There was a particular reason I hated Antonin Dolohov, and it wasn't just because he'd attacked me in Diagon Alley one night. Not only had he repeatedly attacked my brother when he was vulnerable, he'd also thrown a killing curse at Remus during the "Battle of Hogwarts". I was lucky to have been nearby at the time so I could warn him but the thought of what might have happened if I was even an inch further away from him made me feel sick.

Harry sighed from across the table. "But why are they bothering? What does breaking out of Azkaban achieve?"

"Their strongest enforcers are now free," Remus explained quietly. "Lestrange is especially volatile since Bellatrix's death. Perhaps they are to become leaders."

"All of them can't be leaders," I disagreed.

For the first time, Remus looked at me. He looked nervous, as though even eye contact would alert the entire Order of what had happened, but I kept my cool. "Death Eaters aren't known for being rational; they'd never be able to share leadership. They'd need to look to someone level-headed yet determined, and neither Lestrange nor Dolohov possess both those qualities."

"Either of the Carrow's could suffice," Neville piped up, glowering. "They were level-headed while they were torturing us at school."

I shuddered as I remembered the punishment they'd inflicted on all of us during our final year at Hogwarts. I, especially, received a fair amount of unnecessary "discipline" simply for being Harry's sister and not telling them where he was, although I'd repeatedly – and honestly – told them I had no idea where he'd gone.

"We need to stay alert," Kingsley repeated for the fifteenth time that evening. "We know they've got a fairly decent sized group now – probably about as big as us. It's enough to do some serious damage."

McGonagall nodded in agreement. "I think Hogwarts might be a possible target."

"It's probable," Kingsley agreed. "And also the Ministry, though they'll have a harder time getting at the Ministry than they'd have getting at Hogwarts. I think we should station some of the Order there for the next three months, just to be sure."

"Why not get Remus to take over Defence again, Professor McGonagall?" Hermione asked, forgetting that we were no longer in school and therefore not required to address the Headmistress as 'Professor'.

"It would help," she admitted. "We had a lot of trouble finding a teacher this year so it's being shared among the other Professor's."

I laughed. "Why get Remus to do it? Are we forgetting that Harry taught an underground Defence class in the Room of Requirement in our fifth year?"

McGonagall seemed to consider this while Harry turned bright red. "That's a good point, Ms Potter. Do you have any objections, Mr Potter?"

"Only if I can bring Hollie with me," he said immediately.

My eyebrows shot up into my fringe. "Why on Earth would you want me there cramping your style? I'd be no use; I'm not good at anything."

"You're good at being my sister," he shrugged.

"It wouldn't just be the two Potter's," Kingsley said. "Obviously, if there are no objections, I'd ask Remus and Neville to go along. Aberforth will, as you know, be there to keep an eye on things in Hogsmeade."

The table seemed to consider this as we sat in complete silence.

There were at least two people at the table who knew where my train of thought was headed.

It was only March and term didn't finish until June – if we were to all agree, it would be a three month assignment. If Remus were to agree, that would be three months away from Tonks and three months with me. Not _with me_, but without any obstacles.

So it was time for me to make a choice. Was I going to fight for Remus once and for all or was I going to let it be and live in that one perfect moment for the rest of my life?

"I'll obviously need to run it by Tonks," Remus said warily, as though he knew what I was thinking. "But I don't foresee there being any problems."

Neville nodded fervently. "I'm in, as long as Luna can come with me."

Kingsley nodded in agreement and looked to me and Harry. "Hollie, Harry? Are you up to it?"

We exchanged a glance and I knew he was already regretting insisting on me going with him now that he knew Remus was going to be there as well. But at the same time, there was a wary acceptance in his eyes. I wasn't good at much, but I was good at people.

"I'm in," Harry said, not breaking his gaze from mine. "Hollie?"

I smiled.

"How could I refuse?"

* * *

><p><strong>This one was a tad short I think. I pretty much make it to two thousand words and cut it off when I can - despite the roll I was on when I wrote this, I still can't extend chapters to something I feel is long enough.<strong>

**Congratulations to Ryuu Ryuu-kun for guessing the song from chapter four correctly - it was Honorary Title's "Stay Away". I would have sent you this chapter (which is the prize for guessing correctly) but since you'd disabled private messaging, you instead get a clap for having such fantastic taste in music. People consistently go all "waaaahhhhhhhhhhhh" on me because I apparently only like Honorary Title because of One Tree Hill, but that show is legit so people should just shut the fuck up. **

**Also, it only just occurred to me about two days ago that people like Luna and Ginny should still technically be in school on account of their being a year younger than everyone else so that's my bad. Haha, I'm going on about how I'm being totally true to the story line and I make that kind of fuck up - typical! Too bad though. **

**I'm a few chapters ahead but the inspiration isn't hitting me right now and I think everything I write is crap so I might be a little slow in updating.**

**Until next time!  
><strong>


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER SIX: I'VE GOT DESPERATE DESIRES AND UNADMIRABLE PLANS, MY TONGUE WILL TASTE OF GIN AND MALICIOUS INTENT**

"It's so weird being back here," Harry muttered to me as we walked through the all too familiar halls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

I had to agree with him. Being back there wasn't only a bizarre trip back to my school years but also a painful reminder of everyone we'd lost in those very halls. Every time I saw a chip in a wall or a scorch mark in a door I wondered how it had gotten there and if it was a consequence of what had happened there just a year before.

For Harry, it would have been especially poignant. He hadn't gone to Hogwarts for our final year, partially because he'd taken it upon himself to defeat Voldemort and partially because if he'd turned up he probably would have been murdered on the spot. I was assuming it was more to do with the latter than the former but I still got annoyed thinking about his moronic God complex.

People were quick to tell me that, because he was "The Chosen One", he hadn't had a choice and that he _had _to be the one to kill Voldemort. Of course, I knew about the prophecy, but I wasn't quick to understand why Harry was the one that had to do it. How many other people could have fit that ridiculously unspecific profile?

"You there?"

I turned to my brother and nodded. "Yep, just thinking."

"About anything in particular?" He asked.

"Just about everything that went down here," I shrugged. "Being here seems to make me a little reminiscent."

Harry smiled at me. I knew that, of all people, he'd understand me first. Hogwarts was more like home to us than it was to the people that had somewhere to go when school was out for summer.

"Do you think about Lupin much?"

Grinning, I raised my eyebrows at him. "You're not usually the first to bring him up in conversation."

"I figure that you'll probably need someone to talk to considering Seamus and Dean aren't here."

"Are you volunteering?"

He gulped. "Maybe. It still makes me uncomfortable but I don't want to be a shitty brother."

"Ah, but you've already proved that you are on many occasions," I joked, whacking him on the arm when he glared at me in response.

"Besides," I sighed. "There's nothing to talk about. I don't think so, anyway. I don't think he really wants to talk to me."

Harry snorted. "Probably because you attacked him."

"I didn't attack him! He agreed."

"He was in a vulnerable state and you took advantage of him."

Unable to counter that point, I pursed my lips and opted to say nothing. Anything I said to Harry would likely dig me into a hole I wouldn't be able to get out of and I wasn't keen on being lectured. Unfortunately for me, Harry's favourite thing to do was lecture me.

"Hollie," he sighed, rubbing his forehead in an exasperated fashion. "You know you have an effect on Lupin, right?"

I laughed. "Ludicrous. He loves Tonks and when push comes to shove I know she'll win."

"So why did you kiss him if you knew without a doubt that there was no way it'd ever get you anywhere?"

Finally, we came to a halt in front of three adjacent portraits. Two of them were sleeping but one of them was awake and looked severely grumpy. "Can you two keep it down?"

"Sorry," I apologised.

"Don't know why you had to all arrive at this hour," the portrait kept grumbling to himself. "Bloody werewolves and children coming in at three o'clock in the morning."

Harry and I both froze. "Werewolves?"

The portrait looked up and gave us a twisted smile. "That's right. That werewolf bloke that taught here a few years ago was the one who woke me up to get into his quarters! Don't know why you all couldn't have waited until morning."

"That's great," Harry groaned. "It was too much to hope this mission would distract you from him."

"Remus is staying in the room next door to mine."

He grabbed a hold of both my shoulders and turned me to face him. "There's nothing to gain, Hollie. Stop plotting."

I pulled myself away and glared at my brother. "I'm not plotting."

"You are!" He said. "The only time you're not plotting is when you're actioning said plots!"

"That's not even remotely true," I muttered, not even believing myself as I said it. "Do you know our passwords?"

Obviously knowing a lost cause when he saw one, Harry sighed and nodded. "Yours is 'oranges'. Don't ask me why."

I smiled. "I'm assuming Seamus gave you the idea for mine."

"Yeah," he nodded. "Why? Is it an inside joke or something?"

"Something like that."

The portrait had swung open upon hearing the password and I made to go through the doorway before I felt Harry tugging on my arm. "I want to be a good brother and help you, Hol. I just don't want to see you get hurt in this reckless pursuit of yours."

"No chance of that," I sighed. "I don't think any pursuit would amount to anything anyway. I'm not in the habit of starting things I'm not sure I can finish."

"You never answered the question," Harry said.

"Which one?"

"Why you kissed Lupin."

"I guess I just wanted to know what it felt like."

"That's not all."

I bit my lip as I turned to face him. "Not really."

He stood there and said nothing, waiting for my response. He seemed less than eager to hear it but I knew he'd stick around until he did.

"I hoped it'd make him feel something."

"Congratulations then," Harry smiled sadly. "Mission accomplished."

I frowned. "How do you figure? He won't even look at me!"

Harry chuckled. "That's the point, Hol. He won't look at you because he doesn't want to feel the same thing he felt when he kissed you."

"And what's that?"

"Longing."

"And you know this for a fact, do you?"

"Of course. Who else is Lupin going to talk to about this?"

He turned and went into his own quarters, leaving me standing in the doorway with a bemused look on my face while the portrait covering the entrance yelled at me to go in so he could go back to sleep.

Sometimes I really hated my brothers theatrics.

ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ

Classes were back on the next day (we'd arrived on a Sunday evening/Monday morning) and Harry was teaching a fifth grade Defence class. He'd spent the previous two weeks making notes and lesson plans and I had laughed at him, knowing that he'd get in there and end up winging it.

With very little to do, I'd walked through the decreasing snow to Hogsmeade and parked myself at a table in The Three Broomsticks. I wasn't big on alcohol since the Potter Christmas party we'd held the previous year where I had gotten absolutely slaughtered and ended up passed out on the second floor landing, much to Seamus and Dean's amusement. I'd only recently found out that it had been them that found me there, taken a picture and left me to sleep in a bizarrely contorted position.

Still, I loved butterbeer and had already downed three pints of it by the time I saw Remus walk into the bar.

"Remus!" I called across the quiet room, making him jump about ten feet in the air.

With a look on his face as though he were resigning himself to his fate, he came over to my table and sat across from me, clasping his hands tightly in front of him and turning his knuckles white.

"Yeesh, don't be so nervous," I laughed. "I promise not to kiss you again."

He said nothing. I'd spent the whole night thinking about what Harry had told me about Remus and I still didn't know what to do with it. I didn't even really understand it and with Harry teaching classes all day I didn't have a chance to ask him what Remus had said. Not that I believed my brother would tell me anyway – his moral compass pointed firmly towards North and it didn't really waver.

"So," I said, taking another sip of butterbeer. "What brings you to The Three Broomsticks on this glorious afternoon?"

"I was hoping for a quiet drink, actually," he answered, still not meeting my gaze but at least talking to me in a relatively friendly tone.

I nodded understandingly. "Drowning your sorrows?"

His head snapped up. "What sorrows? What do you mean?"

Weird reaction. "I mean, you must miss Tonks and Teddy, right?"

"Right," he sighed, relieved. "Of course. Exactly."

"Correct. Precise. Naturally."

"Funny."

I grinned at him and he smiled back weakly. I was pleased that, if nothing else, his sense of humour was still in tact. "So what are you really drinking about?"

Remus finally looked me directly in the eye and he looked so horribly defeated that I could barely stand it. Knowing that it was my doing made it that much worse but I'd be upset regardless; seeing Remus in pain was akin to being in pain myself, as dreadfully cliché as that may seem.

"Have you spoken to Harry?"

"Briefly," I replied honestly. "We're not big on talking, to be honest. I think he's trying considering he's the one that practically dragged me into isolation but I know how uncomfortable it makes him."

He nodded slowly, considering this. "Did he tell you anything of our conversation?"

I smiled. "I'm assuming you're about to."

"I don't want to," he admitted. "But I feel that I should be honest with you. It would be much easier to hide this away if I had Sirius or James to talk to."

I felt a pang as Sirius's name came up. When he came into our lives, he was the only person I wanted to talk to about anything and he'd counselled me through the early stages of my feelings for Remus. Of course, he made no secret of how idiotic he thought it was, but he gave me advice and sat with me through countless sleepless nights; he was more like a father to me than anyone I had ever known.

"I get that," I said, gulping down the sobs I knew were likely to surface if Sirius became the topic of conversation. "I miss talking to him, too."

"Did you ever talk to him about this?"

Nodding, I smiled faintly. "He was the only person I ever used to talk to about it."

"What did he say?"

"That I was an idiot, at first."

Remus grinned. "That sounds like Sirius."

"Eventually he just started telling me that I'd either get over you or start fighting for you. He said that if I ever fought for you and you denied me then _you'd _become the idiot."

He didn't have much to say to this, so I continued. "Of course, you weren't with Tonks then. If he'd known that was the direction you were heading in, I'm sure his advice would have been very different."

"Of course," Remus echoed, deep in thought. "Of course..."

Madame Rosmerta came up and set a bottle of firewhiskey in front of Remus and smiled at me. "Can I get you another pint, Hollie?"

"No thanks," I said, smiling at her. She smiled back and stomped back off towards the bar, her glittering turquoise heels clacking across the wooden floors.

Rather than opening the bottle, Remus stared at it as though he were unsure he really wanted to get into it. I had to laugh. "Wouldn't you rather tell me what's wrong instead of drowning your sorrows in the most painful way you could manage?"

He looked at me, confused. "What do you mean?"

"The firewhiskey," I pointed to the bottle. "That stuff absolutely disintegrates your throat. I should know; I went through about four bottles of it at Christmas last year."

Remus laughed. "I remember that. You were a bottle and a half deep when Tonks and I left. How did that night end up for you?"

"I passed out on the stairs after doing a rousing rendition of a muggle song called 'Space Oddity'. I don't think I've ever been as close to death as I was the following morning," I explained, laughing as I remembered my awful singing voice and the wild cheers I received from Ginny and Hermione.

"I'm disappointed I missed it," Remus smiled.

"You shouldn't be," I said. "It was truly terrible."

"Hollie... I need to ask you something."

I nodded slowly, suddenly concerned. "Okay. Ask away."

Remus took a deep breath. "Did you know I'd start feeling something for you if you kissed me?"

Finally, he'd asked the question he'd been sitting on for weeks. The only problem was that it was the only question that, if answered honestly, would paint me in the worst light possible.

"Yeah," I sighed. "Yeah, I knew. Well, I hoped. There was really no way to know."

He looked disappointed. Sad, even. Luckily for me, he didn't look too annoyed. "Oh, Hollie."

"I'm sorry," I said quietly. "I know it was a really shitty thing I did, but you have to understand how I feel, Remus! How I've been feeling all these years!"

Remus was silent as he considered this. I kept going, too reckless to stop. "Besides, if it really did change things for you, it only proves that you must have felt_ something _deep down."

"I love my wife."

"I know you do," I smiled sadly. "But that doesn't mean you can't have feelings for me, too."

"And what would you have me do with these feelings?"

"I don't know."

"You must have some idea, if that was your master plan."

Finally snapping, I kicked my chair out behind me and stood up, suddenly furious. "What is it with you people? You talk about me like I'm some villainous asshole and to be quite honest it's getting a bit old!"

"Don't start yelling, Hollie."

"Why not?" I shouted. "I think I have a right to be angry!"

Remus laughed, standing up as well. "_You _have a right to be angry? What about me, Hollie? You tricked me into kissing you!"

"I did no such thing," I hissed. "I asked you if I could and you agreed, that's hardly a trick."

"You knew better than I did what would happen!"

"That doesn't mean you didn't agree to it! You're as much in the wrong as I am!"

"I agreed because I didn't want to see you hurt anymore, Hollie!"

"Oh, of course! You're so selfless and fucking righteous, aren't you Remus? Of course that's why you kissed me! It wasn't because deep down you really wanted to!"

Our faces were practically touching by this point as we screamed at each other, finally letting out everything we'd kept in over the last few weeks. Remus's eyes were flashing with anger and I could only assume mine were doing the same.

"I did it for you," he growled.

"You did it because you wanted to," I breathed angrily. "Kind of like you want to right now."

He glared at me but didn't step back. Instead of backing off, I took my chance and pulled his face down the last few inches towards mine, our lips crashing together in a fit of passion and rage. To my surprise, he didn't pull away or even pretend he didn't want to be kissing me. His arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me into him while my hands were tugging at his hair, bringing him closer.

After twenty breathtaking seconds, he finally pulled away. Our foreheads were pressed together as I opened my eyes, breathing heavily. He did the same, staring at me as though he were considering something.

Rather than saying anything to me, he let me go and practically sprinted out of the bar, leaving me standing there, utterly bewildered.

"I'm in _big _trouble this time."

* * *

><p><strong>Well, I have good news and bad news! The good news is that, despite my laptop having been KIA, I've found a suitable replacement while it gets repaired. The bad news is that I'm going through a major case of writers block and spewing this chapter out was a complete fluke.<strong>

**So bear (bare?) with me while I get my shit together. **

**Also, the last chapter's song was Something With Numbers' "Apple Of The Eye". Don't forget to guess the song from each chapter (and enable private messaging!) because you win the opportunity to read the next chapter before it gets published if you do.**


	7. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER SEVEN: SO DON'T WORRY, THEY TELL ME HELL'S AN OKAY PLACE TO BE THIS TIME OF YEAR**

It had only been a week since we'd arrived and already patrolling was beginning to look more and more pointless.

"Stupid Kingsley," I muttered to myself as I meandered through Hogsmeade in the brisk spring air. "Everything's a conspiracy theory to that guy."

I had agreed to take the Thursday evening patrol on account of the castle suffocating me. I was so used to the freedom of living in London, being able to go wherever I wanted whenever I wanted, that my return to the castle was stifling my need to wander. I could hardly go walking through the Forbidden Forest. Well, I could if I were suicidal, but given that I wasn't, I'd decided not to bother.

To make matters worse, Remus was back to avoiding me like the plague. It was somewhat more pronounced than before – he had actually started hiding from me when he saw me in the halls and swiftly exiting the Great Hall the second I entered for meals. If he was hoping to be inconspicuous, he was failing; Harry had already asked me several times what was going on between us, much to my dismay. It was hard to decide what to answer in those situations.

What _had _happened? Harry's guess was as good as mine. Where I thought our passionate kiss in The Three Broomsticks actually meant something, Remus seemed to be regretting it more and more as days went past.

_Then again, _I thought to myself as I kicked a rock into the nearest wall. _He was hardly going to start cheating on Tonks with me. _

As much as I tried to convince myself of this, I wasn't so sure anymore. Twice, Remus and I had kissed and both times it had been... indescribable. It had done nothing but prove to me that there was definitely something there and I thought maybe that was why he was avoiding me. What would you do in such a situation? I'd probably do the same thing if I were him, if I knew the cost of not being an arse would likely result in my family's demise.

A faint 'pop' in the distance snapped me out of my reverie.

_Strange,_ I thought to myself. _That sounds suspiciously like someone apparating._

Suddenly I was on high alert. As the seconds ticked by I became more and more positive that it was definitely the sound of apparation I had heard. Who would be apparating to Hogsmeade at nine o'clock in the evening? It was hardly a good time to stock up on lollies and stationery.

I slid my wand out of my back pocket slowly, my breathing quickening. I'm not going to lie – I started to panic. I was never a top student at school and all I knew about fighting was all Harry had taught me. Granted, that was a lot, but after the battle at the Ministry of Magic back in our fifth year it became clear to me that I still had a lot of learning to do. And yes, I had participated in the Battle of Hogwarts and come out of it relatively unscathed, but that honestly came down to sheer dumb luck more than anything else.

Footsteps. I hid in an alley and pressed myself against the wall as they started coming closer. I could hear maybe four or five sets of them, trudging through the street at a fairly average pace. They weren't hurrying but they definitely had a purpose.

"What's the plan?"

"Strictly surveillance. If any of you so much as alert someone to our being here, there'll be Hell to pay. Understand?"

"Yes, sir."

Kingsley was right; they had a leader. I was almost certain that the second speaker was Lucius Malfoy – but then again, why would he bother? He was free and clear, wasn't he? He'd walked away from the Battle of Hogwarts before it was over and we had simply let him go, unwilling to track him down because he seemed like less of a threat.

They were drawing closer and closer to the alley I was hidden in and I didn't know what to do.

If I attacked I was sure I'd be beaten. I was no match for more than two Death Eater's at once. If they were there for surveillance, what point would there be in that anyway? They weren't going to hurt anyone, right?

_But why would they be walking down a street in Hogsmeade if they didn't want to be seen?_

Making a quick decision, I whispered, "_Expecto Patronum", _sending my owl-shaped Patronus up to the castle with my message. Better I have someone to back me up than standing there alone. I only hoped they'd make it down here before I was murdered on the spot.

And if you're wondering: yes, I do get extremely dramatic when my life is endangered.

It was only when the footsteps stopped and I caught a glimpse of the Death Eaters, masks and all, that I realised how loud my breathing was.

"Can you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"Breathing. I hear someone breathing."

"Are you sure that's not just you?"

"Yes, you imbecile, I'm sure it's not me. It's coming from over there."

The leader pointed over towards where I was standing and my eyes widened as I slapped my hand to my mouth, desperate to calm my breathing. I was failing dismally, obviously – I had never been alone in an encounter with Death Eaters (except that one time with Antonin Dolohov, which barely counted because it was a crowded street) and I was absolutely mortified.

One of them started moving closer, wand out and pointed, unbeknownst to them, straight at me. I moved away from the wall and, as quietly as I possibly could, started to back away through the alley, planning to hide until someone could come and help me.

I made it right to the end of the alley. I was shrouded in darkness so there was a very slim chance that I might be seen, but I didn't particularly want to take the chance and stand there for too long.

But then suddenly I felt a hand cover my mouth and an arm around my waist. I made to scream until I heard a, "shhhhh" emitting from the culprit.

It was Remus. _Thank Merlin._

"Keep calm," he whispered in my ear, barely audible. "They can't see us here."

Despite my earlier misgivings, I had never felt more safe.

The Death Eater appeared in the alley and scanned it quickly for signs of life. At least, I assumed that's what he meant by turning his head the way he did – it was hard to gauge what a Death Eater was doing when their faces were covered with those ridiculous masks. I was suddenly thankful that all the snow had melted over the last few weeks, as I'm almost certain I wouldn't have thought to cover my footprints.

"Nothing here," the Death Eater said, lowering his wand and turning on us. "Must have been your imagination, Lucius."

"Well, we can't risk staying now," Lucius replied as I inwardly pat myself on the back for picking his voice. "Come on. We'll do this another night."

Four popping sounds followed as the Death Eaters disapparated. Remus removed his hand from my mouth but I was frozen to the spot, scarcely able to believe I was alive.

"Are you alright?" He asked.

I opened my mouth but found I wasn't able to make any noise. Remus muttered, "_Lumos_" and turned me to face him, observing my face when he did so.

Without warning, I started crying. Real, heaving sobs. He pulled me to him and hugged me close as I bawled my eyes out for no good reason. Sure, some would say a life-threatening situation was enough to make someone break down in tears, but I always thought I was stronger than htat.

"Shh," Remus whispered as he stroked my back. "You'll be alright. Everything's alright."

ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ

"You're telling me that there were Death Eater's in Hogsmeade and one of them was Lucius Malfoy?"

I had seen Minerva McGonagall furious plenty of times. On more than one occasion it had been me that caused it. Rarely had I seen a look of such contempt on her face, though.

Remus nodded. "Four of them. Lucius was among them. Hollie seems to believe he was the leader."

"He was the clear leader," I agreed. "The others were looking to him for orders. It seems he wasn't happy with a life outside villainy."

McGonagall pursed her lips at my comment but said nothing of it. "Well, it seems Kingsley was right yet again. Are you okay, Ms Potter?"

"I'm fine."

"I suggest we start sending out two at a time for patrols," Remus said. "Now that we know there's a real threat, it seems dangerous sending them out on their own. If I had been one second later this night could have ended very differently."

"Absolutely, Remus. We may have to bring other Order members in to help."

"That seems prudent. I'm sure Kingsley will want to send a couple of Aurors along as well, just to be sure."

"I'm sure the Order could handle it but, in the end, it's up to him."

Remus stood up and nodded. "I'll go and contact him now. He will want to know what happened."

"No," McGonagall shook her head. "I'll contact Kingsley. You take Hollie back to her quarters; she's had a rough night."

I had remained silent throughout the majority of the meeting. After my little fit in the alleyway I had told Remus what I'd seen but hadn't said much else. We'd walked back up to the castle in silence and I think he was happy that for once I didn't want to talk.

"Ms Potter?"

I tuned back in and stared at McGonagall. "Yes?"

"You may leave now," she smiled. "Remus will take you back to your quarters."

Nodding, I stood up and swiftly made for the door, not wanting to be caught in more conversation. It was a rare occasion that I wasn't up for a long winded account of anything that had happened to me but at that moment all I wanted was to curl up in bed and sleep for a week.

"Are you alright, Hollie?"

I'd barely noticed we were walking but suddenly we were halfway up the corridor. "What? Oh, yes, I'm fine Remus."

"You don't seem fine," he said worriedly. "It's okay if you're not, you know. I don't want you to feel..."

He struggled for the word so I supplied it for him. "I believe the word you're looking for is 'weak', Remus."

"That's not what I was going to say," he mumbled.

"It's okay, Remus. I wasn't even attacked and I had a complete meltdown; I was weak."

"It's not weak to be scared," he said. "Don't ever think that, Hollie."

For the first time since our encounter at The Three Broomsticks, we made eye contact. I was startled, actually. He seemed... angry.

"Are_ you _okay?" I asked, frowning up at him as we paused in the middle of the hallway. "You look rather... not okay."

"I'm furious," he admitted. "If they had of hurt you..."

My eyebrows shot up into my fringe as I considered this. It was the first display of real emotion I'd seen from Remus in a while, and it was hardly the one I would have picked. I'm sure that, if the incident with the Death Eater's had not taken place, the emotions would have been startlingly different. For a fleeting second, I was thankful for them.

"I'm fine, Remus," I smiled encouragingly up at him. "Seriously. Nothing bad happened. We're aware and we can take extra precautions. Just be thankful it wasn't Harry out there tonight – he would have charged in with wands blazing."

He laughed. "That's true. He is very reckless."

"I wish I knew where he got it from."

"Your father," Remus said. "He, too, had a penchant for running into dangerous situations with very little thought. I suppose it comes with a natural talent for getting yourself out of trouble."

"Apparently I got the recessive genes," I grumbled, thinking about my total lack of talent in almost everything.

Remus sighed as he stopped me yet again, turning me to face him and placing his hands gently on my shoulders. "There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, Hollie."

"I don't excel at anything the way Harry does," I shrugged. "I'm fairly mediocre as a witch."

"What you lack in talent as a witch you more than make up for as a person."

"I think there may have been an insult buried in there somewhere."

He smiled at my joke, obviously glad to see that I hadn't turned into a total vegetable in the wake of almost dying. I bit my lip as we held eye contact. I was starting to fill with that burning desire to kiss him again.

I don't know if he realised this but he let go of me quickly and started walking again, causing me to have to skip a few paces to catch up. "What's wrong? What did I say?"

"It's nothing, Hollie," he said quietly. "It's not you."

"If you say, 'it's not you, it's me', I may just have to kill myself."

With a heavy, exasperated sigh, Remus stopped again and I realised that we were outside the entrance to our quarters. I was somewhat disappointed; my thirst for knowledge had overtaken my trauma and I was ready to talk again, and I desperately wanted to know what he meant by, "it's not you".

"Hollie," he said, rubbing his forehead in his hand. "As much as I have repeatedly tried to convince myself over the past week that our kiss in The Three Broomsticks was a mistake, I can't make myself believe it. That in itself is enough to make me need to stay away from you."

I was nothing if not surprised. "Wait, what? You _need _to stay away from me? How did you figure that was going to be remotely possible? This castle is tiny, Remus!"

"Tiny?" Remus frowned. "This castle is enormous, Hollie."

Shaking my head, I leaned against the wall, suddenly incredibly tired. Or perhaps I was just overwhelmed with information. "I'm the kind of person that needs open space to explore. Why do you think I spend so much time wandering through muggle London alone?"

"How can you get claustrophobic in a castle this size?" Remus asked.

"I've seen it all," I replied. "I've explored almost every corner of this castle over seven years. I've seen things that I doubt even Dumbledore got to see. This place holds no wonder for me now and it's suffocating me."

We stood in silence. I didn't have much left to say – what_ could _I say? He'd just admitted to my face that he had feelings for me and I didn't know what to make of it. In all my wildest daydreams, I'd never once thought that he would ever return even the slightest amount of the feelings I had for him.

"Stay with me tonight."

My breath caught. "What?"

"Stay with me," Remus repeated. "I know it's a bad idea. I realise what the consequences will be if anyone ever finds out. I love my wife, I truly do. I just... can't find it in me to stay away from you anymore. I can't deny it, Hollie."

Of all the things I'd expected him to say, that had not come close.

I stared at him for a moment, trying to figure out if he was testing me or if he was being sincere or even if he knew what he was asking. But, staring into those beautiful hazel eyes, I could tell that he was absolutely sure about what he wanted from me. Still, I wasn't going to leave anything up to chance.

"Are you sure?"

Remus smiled and moved towards me, gently stroking my cheek with his hand. Although he was smiling, I could tell it was almost killing him. "I want to know what it feels like to wake up and see you next to me."

If there was ever a time for an attack of the conscience, this would not have been the time I would have chosen. As a matter of fact, as I felt myself thinking what I was about to say, I wanted to stuff my fist in my mouth and stop myself from saying it. It seemed silly to me that the first time I was going to do something decent, it had to be at this moment. I had been ruthless so far, hadn't I? What was stopping me now?

"I can't, Remus," I whispered, scrunching my face up in pain as I said it. "You can't know how desperately I want to say yes to you right now, but I see the look in your eyes."

"What look?" Remus asked, stunned.

I grimaced. "The tortured one of a man who's about to do something he doesn't really want to do."

He was silent. Even as I saw the pain of rejection wash over his face, the tiny glimmer of relief was as evident to me as the rest.

"Goodnight, Hollie."

As he turned around and strode into his quarters without another word, I stood in the hallway, unable to believe that I had just passed up on an opportunity to show Remus that I was perfect for him.

_Stupid conscience. _

* * *

><p><strong>Ummmahhhhh! What kind of nasty author does that to her readers? <strong>

**Sorry guys - you'll have to wait a bit longer for this to actually happen. Like I warned you in the first chapter: this is going to be _._**

**The previous chapter's song was Brand New's "Me vs Maradona vs Elvis". I will probably be using Brand New a lot, just as a heads up. Jesse Lacey is my personal answer to Remus Lupin. Unless Remus Lupin were to materialize and I could take a crack at him. Then it'd be a different story.**

**Don't forget to guess the song when (if) you review to read the next chapter ahead of time! I think I've gotten my mojo back so I'll be spewing out chapters every few days if all goes well. Remember that you're welcome to Google it, but there is a "first in, best dressed" policy in place. **

**Happy reading!**_  
><em>


	8. Chapter 8

**CHAPTER EIGHT: TURNING TO FACE WHAT YOU'VE BECOME, BURIED THE ASHES OF SOMEONE, BROKEN BY THE STRAIN**

Kingsley called a meeting just one week later, after we'd already teamed up to do our patrols.

It was more gruelling than ever and suddenly I regretted volunteering. We were patrolling around the clock, with Remus and Harry taking mornings, Neville and I taking afternoons and the two teams alternating between evenings. Not that any of us actually believed that Death Eaters would go strolling through Hogsmeade in the middle of the afternoon, but McGonagall was panicked and wanted to take every precaution.

"I'm well aware of the unlikelihood, Ms Potter," she'd said disapprovingly through pursed lips. "But if we are not alert at all times we are giving them the upper hand!"

I could sort of understand her fear. The thought of another fight breaking out and another war beginning wasn't one anybody wanted to consider, but until we knew what the Death Eaters were actually up to, there was no way of knowing.

Neville and I were pulled off patrol on the following Friday night by Harry.

"Hey guys," he trudged up to us. "Kingsley's called a meeting at Grimmauld Place. It's imperative that everyone is there."

"I'm assuming that's McGonagall's wording," I said through a wide grin. Neville chuckled along with me as Harry rolled his eyes and apparated away. Neville followed almost immediately and I was all too happy to ditch patrol to do the same.

Not that I didn't like patrolling with Neville. It was actually quite pleasant. He didn't give me those sideways glances and disapproving looks whenever he asked me about Remus, which thankfully wasn't often as I was out of things to say.

Remus had gone back to ignoring me and I was all too happy to aid him in his plight. Now that I knew why he was avoiding me, it was more important than ever that I not push it. Although Remus having feelings for me was something I had done nothing but dream about for years, the reality was much... realer. It was terrifying to think that I had the power to break up a family, especially one I loved so dearly.

"Hollie," I heard Kingsley's voice from the meeting room. "Are you coming in?"

I shook my head slightly to snap myself out of it. "Sorry. Yep, I'm coming."

I took my seat between Hermione and Neville, facing my brother's encouraging grin. I narrowed my eyes at him – did he know something I didn't know?

"Thank you all for coming at such short notice," Kingsley began. "But I'm sure you all know why we're here.

"One week ago, Death Eaters were spotted in Hogsmeade, Lucius Malfoy among them. Since then, myself and my team of Aurors have been tracking his moves to discover what their plan is, and we're happy to say that we've got a lead."

"So they do have a plan then?" I asked. "They're not just going to burst into Hogwarts and start attacking?"

Kingsley smiled. "We don't believe so. Harry, why don't you explain what we've found."

Harry was in training to be an Auror. Not that he really needed it, mind you; he was perfectly capable of fighting off Death Eaters and other nasty criminals. Still, the training was a formality that he had to acknowledge and he was happy to do so if it meant pursuing his dream of saving the world. Again with the God complex.

"We heard them talking during a meeting they had in Borgin and Burkes," Harry told everyone.

"Gee, that's an original meeting spot for Death Eaters," Ron muttered sarcastically. We all chuckled slightly and he grinned around the table appreciatively.

"Well, regardless," Harry continued. "They were talking about searching for something that they believe is somewhere at Hogwarts."

I sighed exasperatedly. "That's really informative. Do you know how many things are hidden at Hogwarts?"

Harry glared at me. "I'm well aware, Hollie, but they kept referring to it as 'the stone'. We're not sure exactly what stone..."

"The Philosopher's Stone?" Neville asked. "Maybe that's what they're after?"

"The Philosopher's Stone doesn't exist anymore and I'm sure they're well aware of that," Hermione said, shaking her head. Her eyebrows were furrowed as though she were deep in thought, trying to think of what it could be.

Neville shrugged. "How would they know? Voldemort wasn't exactly in the habit of sharing."

"No," Hermione agreed. "But the death of Nicholas Flamel was widely publicised. They'd know that there weren't any left."

"Not necessarily. How would they know the first one was destroyed?"

"Isn't that just common sense? Lucius Malfoy had his nose in everything back then; he would have known."

"Maybe there's another one?"

"That's highly unlikely – Dumbledore said he was going to make sure there weren't any left."

"I know what stone they're looking for."

Suddenly it all made sense to me. The story Harry told me the previous year about everything that had happened to him while I was in school came flooding back to me and it had only just occurred to me that he, too, had encountered a stone of sorts.

"The Resurrection Stone," I said. "They're going to try to bring Voldemort back."

The table was silent.

"Hollie," Harry said slowly. "That's impossible. Not only would they not know about the Resurrection Stone, they couldn't possibly know where it is. I dropped it right before the clearing and I only ever told you lot about it."

I shrugged. "It's not impossible. Like Hermione said – Lucius Malfoy had his nose in everything and you told Dumbledore's portrait that you had the stone and where you dropped it."

"So what? You think he was spying on me? Malfoy left the battle before it even finished!"

At this point, I was absolutely sure of my theory, so much so that there was nothing Harry could argue that would change my mind. "There were a lot of other portraits in that office, Harry. Not all of them were good people."

Harry considered this. "That's true. But say you're right; how would they even find it? It's a _stone_, I doubt it's even possible."

"Of course it is," I said. "There are spells you can cast to pick up on enchantments and magical items. It'd take a while but if they're determined enough it's possible they'll find it."

"Hollie's right," Remus said, speaking for the first time since the meeting began. "There are ways of finding magical items that are hidden or lost. The only thing that speaks against your theory is the knowledge of how the Stone works."

Trying not to make eye contact, I looked over at Remus and nodded. "Of course _we _know how it works and we know the risks associated, but since when have Death Eaters been considered of higher intelligence? They followed a guy that neither liked nor cared about them in a quest for world domination – tell me that doesn't seem dumb to you."

As I looked around the table, everyone seemed convinced except Harry. He still had that doubtful look on his face and I didn't really blame him for that. After all, I did have a habit of coming up with wild theories for everything. Still, there was no denying the merit of my theory and I could tell he was struggling to argue against that.

"Okay," Harry said. "So how do we get to it first?"

That seemed to stump everyone. How _do _you go about finding a tiny stone in a forest that's larger than some countries? Although we knew the relative area that Harry dropped it in, there was no telling how far it had moved from that spot over time.

"We don't," Ron offered. "Let them find it first."

I almost started laughing before he held up his hands defensively. "Just wait a second before you start calling me stupid! I'm saying that we monitor them and let them do all the hard work for us. Then, when they find the stone, we attack and take it from them."

"Isn't the point to avoid a fight?" I said, a slight smile on my face.

"Well, yeah," Ron said. "But how are we going to search for it if they're searching too? They'll know we're onto them and who knows what they'll do when they find out!"

McGonagall sighed. "I'm afraid Mr Weasley is right; we can't risk them finding out we know about their plan. Our only option is to watch them closely as they conduct their search and perhaps conduct our own under their noses."

"It will require extreme stealth," Kingsley said. "This isn't going to be easy."

"What if someone does a Snape?"

I was met with twenty blank looks. I probably couldn't have picked a vaguer term to describe what I was talking about so I didn't blame them but it still annoyed me slightly that they didn't immediately understand.

"You know," I clarified. "Be a double agent. Go undercover. Nothing's stealthier than being on the inside right?"

McGonagall clicked her tongue. "That would be extremely irresponsible, not to mention dangerous!"

"That will be our last resort," Kingsley cut McGonagall's tangent off, giving her a look. She fell silent but continued glaring at him.

"So you'll consider it?"

"Only if we're absolutely desperate."

The meeting was quiet for five minutes as we considered our options. Well, I assumed that was what everyone else was doing. I was actually considering my dinner options and noting the rift that seemed to be taking place between Tonks and Remus. Tonks hadn't taken her usual seat next to him and had instead opted to let Molly and Arthur separate them. I was more concerned about the first point though.

When Kingsley started giving us more ominous warnings, I stood up and stretched. "Can I go?"

"Sorry?"

"Can I go?" I repeated. "I've heard these warnings enough times to have them permanently embedded in my brain and I'm starving."

Kingsley sighed. "Okay, Hollie, you can go. In fact, let's call this meeting. We'll discuss more at a later date."

He stood up and everyone else followed suit, worried smiles on their faces as they muttered to themselves about the meeting. I snatched up my coat from the back of my chair and threw it on as I hurried out into the hallway and towards the front door.

"Hollie."

I scrunched my eyes up as I realised I wasn't going to be eating any time soon if I allowed this conversation to take place.

"Remus, just come and have dinner with me. I seriously can't wait any longer."

ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ

I was two glasses of wine deep and had devoured my entree before Remus and I actually started talking.

I'd decided to go to my favourite Italian restaurant in muggle London. To some it might have seemed like a date but in all honesty I was just really hungry and they had an amazing risoni and garden vegetable salad. Remus hadn't ordered an entree but had decided to down four beers in the twenty minutes we'd been sat there.

"Slow down Remus," I'd said to him as he ordered his third. "All the beer in the world isn't going to run out if you don't drink it right now."

"Hollie, about the other night..."

I held up my hand to stop him. "It's forgotten, Remus. We're good."

"I know it was inappropriate," he sighed. "But I don't want you to think I didn't mean it."

At that moment our main meals arrived and the event was accompanied by a groan of pure delight. I grabbed my fork and shovelled a huge mouthful into my gob, closing my eyes and savouring the taste.

When I opened my eyes again, Remus was staring at me curiously. "Sorry. I told you I was hungry."

"I can't ignore how I feel about you, Hollie."

"I guessed that," I said in a defeated tone. "And honestly I don't know why it bothers me all of a sudden."

Remus said nothing. He was eating his food slowly and purposefully, as though he regretted every mouthful. I could only imagine what he was going through. He was knocking at the door of adultery and that wasn't a door I ever wanted to approach, even though I was the one forcing him towards it. Does it count as adultery when you're the other woman? I wasn't even totally sure I wanted to be the other woman. Maybe that was my whole dilemma.

When I voiced these thoughts to Remus, he choked with laughter. "What on earth are you talking about?"

"I don't want to be the person who breaks up the marriage!" I whined. "That makes me a bad person! I'm not a bad person Remus!"

"You're not a bad person," he agreed. But he was chuckling quietly so I wasn't sure if he was being sarcastic or not.

Instead of arguing the point I just sat there and glared at him. I'd hoped maybe he'd start taking my concern seriously but he just started laughing rapturously.

"Come on, Hollie," he laughed. "You have to admit that it's pretty funny. You were ruthless and you got what you wanted but now you don't want it anymore!"

"What do you mean I got what I wanted?"

"Didn't you want me to feel something for you?"

"I guess..."

"Well, congratulations. You win."

"Wait, I win?" I said, mouth wide open as I stared at him with a horrified frown. "You actually like me? You think this is going somewhere?"

Remus smiled. "Well, I won't know unless you let me try, but I hope it might. You make me feel something I didn't even realise I haven't been feeling in years."

He didn't elaborate so I rolled my eyes and sighed exasperatedly. "Are you going to tell me or are you leaving it on that infuriatingly vague note?"

"Happiness," he said. "You make me feel happy. I laugh more when I'm with you."

"Are you sure? Every time I've seen you since I told you you've been a miserable git," I muttered as I picked at my salad.

"I admit that I've been conflicted. I do love Tonks but she just... doesn't make me feel the way you do."

I paused. "You know, you seem a little dodgy right now. No offence."

"I know."

"That's not to say I don't want this."

"I know."

"Because I do want this. I want a chance with you."

"I know."

"Can you stop saying that?"

"Sorry," he grinned, for the first time not looking completely guilt-ridden.

"You really are happier around me, aren't you?"

Remus reached across the table and grabbed my hand. "I am, Hollie."

As I looked into his eyes, I realised he wasn't lying.

ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ

We spent the night together in his quarters that night. We didn't _sleep together _or anything – what kind of person do you think I am? In fact, we barely slept at all. Seeing Remus as relaxed as he was becoming was so refreshing that I didn't want to sleep for fear I'd miss it.

So instead of sleeping, which we probably should have done because we had a morning patrol (I switched with Harry so he could have breakfast with Ginny), we stayed up and talked. We ended up sneaking into the kitchens and eating our way through an entire chocolate cake before tiptoeing through the school and narrowly avoiding a run-in with Peeves. It was like he was a kid again.

"What time is it?"

I moved my head slightly to get a better view at the clock. "It's five o'clock. Should we even bother sleeping? We've got to be up in an hour to patrol."

"I need to get some shut-eye," he yawned widely. "I'm not as young as you, you know."

"Gee, there's a fresh perspective."

He rolled towards me and I did the same, smiling sadly at him. "This is so wrong."

"Yes."

"Are you going to regret this later?"

"Probably."

"Enough to ignore me for another two weeks?"

"Not likely."

"So we're really in this?"

"I think so."

As I grinned, he pressed his lips to mine softly and I sighed, absolutely content in that moment.

Then, I heard a familiarly disappointed gasp.

"What in Merlin's name is going on here?"

* * *

><p><strong>Okay, I lied about it being ages before they got together. I got impatient. Plus I couldn't think of any way to have this chapter end with a bang. In fact it took me over a week to actually write this and I'm still not happy with how it turned out. <strong>

**Someone guessed the last chapter's song correctly - it was Raise Hell by Kids In Glass Houses (who have a new album out that has a freaking _saxophone _featured on some of the tracks) so, well done, anonymous person. **

**I can't give you an ETA on the next chapter - I just found out I had a Legal Studies assignment due last week that I didn't bother with. My extreme bad!  
><strong>


	9. Chapter 9

**This one's dedicated to Bleah Lupin, who clogged my inbox with about fifty emails in the space of ten minutes telling me how much she loves this story (thank you! Never feel that telling me you love my writing is pointless - it makes this experience so much more rewarding), and to Ryuu Ryuu-kun, who (along with her boyfriend, apparently) has exceptional taste in music. **

**Onwards!**

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER NINE: WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE OUR SINS ARE NOT THE START OF SOMETHING WHOLLY DIVINE?<strong>

"Harry, please wait!"

I was chasing my brother down the empty hallway and he wasn't planning on stopping. I was frantic, desperate to make him understand, but as he turned around and I saw the way his eyes flashed, I realised that wasn't going to happen.

"What the Hell, Hollie? What was going on in there?"

"Harry," I said as a lump started forming in my throat. "I know it looks bad."

He let out one choked laugh. "It IS bad, Hollie! Are you fucking kidding me? Lupin is _married _and he's not going to be _unmarried _any time soon! Do you seriously think that you two having an affair is going to make him realise that he really wants to be with you?"

"I don't know," I said quietly, my eyes starting to fill with tears.

"You've done a lot of shitty things in your time," he said furiously. "But nothing quite as bad as this. Do you think this is going to stay a secret?"

"Harry, I -"

"You can't keep this from people, Hollie! This is going to come out and Tonks is going to be devastated!"

"I know, but just let me -"

"THEY HAVE A CHILD, HOLLIE! A FAMILY!"

"Harry, please -"

"YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY DISAPPOINTED ME FOR THE LAST TIME!"

"_OBLIVIATE!"_

I'd done it without even thinking and as it happened I clapped a hand to my mouth. My wand was suddenly out from its usual place in the back of my jeans and pointed at my brother, who suddenly had a bemused look on his face.

I had never cast a memory charm before and, in my panicked state, I was terrified that I'd erased everything.

Thankfully, he frowned and stared at me. "Hollie, what's wrong? Why are we in the hallway? Why are you crying?"

"Uh," I fumbled for words. "You were sleepwalking. I just... I was trying to wake you up."

"But why are you crying?"

"It's just this whole Remus thing getting to me," I lied seamlessly.

He nodded understandingly and wrapped his arms around me. "Despite our differences, I do love you, sis."

"I love you too, Harry."

With a smile, he pulled away and started walking back towards his room. "I never sleepwalk! Hey, do you mind still covering my patrol this morning? I was meant to tell Lupin that Ginny cancelled breakfast but now I just feel really lethargic and I could do with the sleep."

"Of course," I forced out a return smile. "Go get some sleep."

As he walked away I realised that what I'd done could never be undone. If he ever found out that I'd erased his memory he would never, ever forgive me.

I walked back to Remus's room in a state of total shock. As I came through the portrait hole, he rushed to me and put his hands on my shoulders, surveying my face. "Was it really bad? Is he going to tell anyone?"

"He's not going to tell anyone because he doesn't remember anything," I said.

Remus looked confused. "What do you mean? What happened?"

"I didn't mean to do it," I muttered, more to myself than anything else. "It just came out! He was yelling and saying he'd never been more disappointed and I just pulled out my wand..."

At that moment, Remus understood. "You erased his memory."

"Yes."

"All of it?"

"Just up until he woke up this morning. I told him he'd been sleepwalking."

He said nothing. He didn't need to.

We stood in silence for a moment before Remus pulled me into a hug and I started crying again. Funny, isn't it? You suddenly get everything you want and you never cry more. I was never much for crying excessively; throughout the whole war, I think I only cried twice – once when Sirius died and once when I thought Harry was dead. I cried when I found out Remus had gotten married, too, but I prefer to pretend that didn't happen.

"It's going to be okay, Hollie."

"I don't think you fully comprehend the seriousness of the situation," I said to him, frantic again. "If he finds out, that's it! Casting that spell is something like using an Unforgivable in his eyes!"

Remus smiled confidently, obviously trying to instil some of his calm into me. It was infuriating, really, how calm he was in that moment, but underneath the surface I could only guess that he was panicking too. "We're the only two that know about it, Hollie. Nobody will ever find out."

I could tell that he meant it and I trusted him so implicitly that his wave of serenity washed over me. I leaned back into his hug and willed myself to breathe.

"Okay," I sighed. "Panic over. We've got to go and patrol now anyway."

"What was he doing here, by the way?" Remus asked.

I snorted. "He came to say that Ginny cancelled and he could patrol with you but in the end he decided he'd rather sleep."

He laughed at this and yawned widely, grabbing his wand from his bedside table and kissing me gently on the forehead. "I'd rather patrol with you, anyway."

ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ

A week later I'd all but forgotten about the situation with Harry in my state of absolute bliss. Remus and I had been stealing quiet moments together in empty classrooms, deserted corridors and among the trees in the Forbidden Forest. There was a permanent smile on my face and people were noticing.

"You seem happier," Neville mentioned during our evening patrol. "What's new with you?"

"Nothing," I said coyly, surveying the all-too-familiar Hogsmeade scenery in a bid to keep my grin to myself.

I saw Neville roll his eyes in my peripheral vision. "Yeah, okay. Your sudden happiness is just a coincidence."

"I'm not saying it's a coincidence," I laughed. "I'm just saying that no event has taken place. I'm just getting on with it."

"That's good, then. Congratulations, Hollie. It's nice to see you happy again."

"What about you?" I asked. "How are things with Luna?"

It was his turn to grin unashamedly. "Really great. I'm actually thinking about asking her to marry me."

Thankfully I was able to hold back my disparaging snort. The idea of marriage at such an absurdly young age always baffled me. My parents had gotten married young as well and I never understood why.

That's not to say I'm not a romantic – obviously I am. It was simply a fact that the whole institution of marriage was completely unnecessary in my eyes and making such a decision so young seemed somewhat irresponsible. What was wrong with waiting? Why did forever have to include a white dress and a priest? If that's even how wizarding weddings worked – the only one I'd ever been to was Bill and Fleur's and I hadn't been paying much attention at the time.

"Have you really thought about that?" I asked nervously, not sure if he'd be mad at me for doing so.

He wasn't. "I don't need to think about it," he said through a smile. "I love her. That's all I need to know."

"And it's that simple?"

"Of course it is. What other reason is there?"

"I guess. It's still a big commitment though, right? Marriage is kind of a forever deal."

"It is," Neville agreed. "And I know you think that young marriage is silly, but you don't need to be older to know what you want."

I considered this. "Maybe that's true. Still, don't we all think our first love is our true love? Isn't that kind of a knee-jerk reaction?"

Neville chuckled. "Do you think Remus is your true love?"

Frowning, I thought about it. Did I? Could I see myself with him every day for the rest of my life? Is that even what true love really is? And since when does true love mean marriage anyway? What was the point of a piece of paper stating your legally bound status?

"I don't know," I ended up saying. "I haven't had the chance to find out."

He was about to say something more but we both heard three familiar popping noises and we covered ourselves in Harry's Invisibility Cloak. It was a tight fit with Neville being so much taller than me but we managed.

"Where do we start?" We heard one of the Death Eater's ask.

"In the clearing where we were gathered," Malfoy's silky voice said. "Search that area first and work your way outwards. Remember – we only have two hours per search. Any more than that is risky."

The other two headed off towards the forest and Malfoy took off towards a large and rocky hill. It was the same hill that lead to a cave Sirius had once hidden in when he was on the run – it worked well as a lookout as well so I could only assume that Lucius was to be a sentry while the other two did all the work.

"So, what do we do?" Neville whispered.

"I don't know if it's too risky to follow them," I said nervously. "It's awfully loud to walk in there."

"What if we cast a spell to make our footsteps quiet?"

Unable to find any problems with this plan, I cast the spell myself and we went trudging up through the Forbidden Forest, careful to keep close to the Death Eaters.

We were only walking for about ten minutes before we were in a clearing of sorts. They had arrived and immediately started casting shield and protection spells, before casting one that I didn't recognise. I assumed it was the one the singled out magical items and there was no doubting its effectiveness. The only problem was that everything on the forest floor seemed to hold some magical qualities.

"The stone will shine a bit brighter," one of them said. "Start looking."

For two long hours we sat and watched. I was beginning to nod off when finally Neville nudged me and stood up. As he took his first step, though, there was an almighty crunch as he stepped on a branch.

My eyes widened as the Death Eaters turned around. The spell must have worn off after we'd been sitting there, and when I whispered this incredibly quietly to Neville, he nodded and stayed perfectly still.

"Did you hear that?"

"That crunching noise?"

"Yeah! What was that?"

The Death Eater shrugged. "There are so many things in this forest, I'd rather not find out."

We didn't dare move for twenty minutes after they'd left and by the time we finally made it out of the forest I was worn out and had a terrible headache.

"I'm going straight to bed," I told Neville as I yawned widely. "But I'll take Harry's cloak to him first."

Neville nodded. "No worries. That was a close call today, huh?"

"One I'd like to never experience again," I mumbled, receiving a slight laugh.

"I'll vouch for that. 'Night, Hollie."

"'Night, Neville."

He stalked off towards his room and I sighed as I trudged towards Harry's. Neville's quarters were a bit closer to the entrance than ours were and suddenly I was extremely jealous of him. Having to walk halfway through the castle was draining at two o'clock in the morning.

I said the password to get into Harry's quarters and left the cloak on the couch. I was glad he was asleep – I felt guilty every time I looked at my brother now, and apart from anything else, I wasn't in the mood to talk.

When I exited through the portrait hole, Remus was on the other side, smiling. "Have a good patrol?"

"It was awful," I groaned as I leaned into his hug. "We sat in the forest for two hours watching them turn over every stone and leaf on the ground."

"Do you want to sleep in your own room tonight?"

Thinking only for a second, I nodded. "I do. It's my own mattress and it's dead comfy. It'd be even comfier if you were on it with me."

That seemed to be what he wanted to hear and as we entered my quarters I pulled him into a kiss, grinning against his mouth as we backed into the bedroom.

"Hey Remus," I said as I hid behind the wardrobe door to change. "Do you think Tonks is your true love?"

I leaned around the door to see his expression. Confusion. "Why do you ask?"

"Just something Neville and I were talking about. He wants to marry Luna because he thinks she's his true love."

Remus smiled. "That's nice. Aren't you happy for them?"

"I guess," I said slowly, not even believing myself. "It just seems a little misguided, don't you think?"

"They're young, of course it's misguided."

"Do you think my feelings for you are misguided?"

"Of course I do," he laughed. "You're a beautiful, funny, confident, talented young woman in love with an ageing werewolf. In what way is that not misguided?"

"I think the 'talented' bit was overreaching a tad."

"I don't think so."

With my favourite sleep-shirt finally on, I closed the wardrobe door and smiled. "You're sweet. Completely bonkers, but sweet."

He hopped into bed next to me and blew out the bedside candle. "You don't even see how special you are, do you?"

"Harry is the special one in this family," I argued sleepily. "He even had a proper title confirming it! I'm just the special one's sister."

"That's where you're wrong," Remus shook his head.

I didn't respond to this, suddenly too tired to bother. Remus kept talking, though. "In just a few short weeks you've made me feel as nobody has ever made me feel and that in itself is special. Every morning I wake up with you next to me is a morning I'm thankful for your existence. In my eyes, you are and always have been the special one."

"That's enough for me then," I smiled, clutching his hand in mine as I finally drifted off to sleep.

I couldn't pin down the exact moment Remus fell in love with me, but there in that moment was certainly the beginning. If I'd known then how things would turn out I would have cut and run and spared us both. But I wouldn't be Hollie Potter if I wasn't a little bit selfish.

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><p><strong>Before you start whinging that this chapter goes nowhere, this was done on purpose! It's like those chapters in all novels that are there simply to fill some space before something good starts happening.<strong>

**Okay, that's a lie. I just have no idea how to properly develop this story without jumping in the deep end too soon. This has always been a problem of mine as a writer and I'm slowly trying to work on it.**

**Also, I'm sorry for the delay on posting this! I've had it written for a while but I wasn't entirely happy with it, but I relented. I had a 3000-word Philosophy essay on existentialism to write this week and it completely boggled my mind and rendered me useless for days. I'm in the process of writing chapter ten now so you shouldn't have to wait too much longer!**

**While we're on the subject, I feel that I may be in the market for a beta. I hate re-reading chapters I have written because it makes me want to erase it all and start again and then when I finally do re-read I find a million little errors (I turned off spell-check because I can't get it to stop telling me that I should be using a "z" when, in fact, I know it's meant to be an "s" because this is not America). So if you have had someone beta your work and they were brilliant, or if you're a beta yourself and want to help an oldmate out, let me know! I'm always looking for ways to improve this story.**

**Thank you to everyone who has favourited, reviewed, added this to their alerts or just read this and enjoyed it - I appreciate every bit of positive feedback.**


	10. Chapter 10

**CHAPTER TEN: I HAVEN'T SLEPT A SINGLE NIGHT IN OVER A MONTH, AND NOT EVEN ONCE DID YOU START TO MAKE SENSE TO ME**

The Death Eaters weren't getting any closer to their goal and, as a result, neither were we. Neville and I were starting to find other activities to pass the time as we watched them scour the forest floor; on one occasion, we silently played a game of Wizard's Chess underneath the invisibility cloak, choking on our laughter as the Death Eaters, who we'd finally identified as Antonin Dolohov and Amycus Carrow, looked around nervously every time our pieces destroyed another.

We were packing up for the evening on a particularly cold night when he brought up Seamus.

"Seamus tells me you haven't checked in in a while."

I sighed. "Yeah, I've been a pretty inattentive friend. I've had a lot on my mind."

"Remus?"

Shocked, I dropped my wand and hastily bent down to pick it up. "What do you mean?"

"Just that you like him," he said, obviously confused by my reaction. "And it must be hard to be around him as much as you have been lately."

I grinned in spite of myself and said nothing.

The last two weeks had been the most blissful of my life. I was almost ashamed of how happy I was, given that we were facing another crisis and I was technically doing a very bad thing with a married man. But then again, I do say "almost".

Truth be told, I couldn't bring myself to be worried or anxious about what I was doing with Remus. I knew it wasn't going to last – even then, I wasn't going to delude myself into thinking we had a real future. He may have said that he wanted to try for one but I wasn't so naïve that I was going to believe him. I knew what I was to him – I was entertainment, someone to help him escape the reality that he was forty-years-old and married with a child. He'd lost all of his best friends and, to be honest, I'd do the same thing in his shoes.

Even so, I wasn't letting anything put a dampener on my spirits.

"I'll Floo him later tonight," I promised. "Do you think he'll mind?"

"Your mug in his fireplace at three o'clock in the morning?" Neville grinned. "Surely not."

In a display of freakish immaturity, I stuck my tongue out at him and began trudging through the undergrowth towards the castle, determined to stay awake long enough to have a conversation with my supposed best friend.

Neville caught up with me and punched me playfully on the arm. "Hey, guess what?"

"Please don't make me."

"I proposed to Luna."

"And she said yes?"

He looked kind of hurt at my surprise. "Of course! Why wouldn't she?"

"I dunno," I shrugged. "Maybe she was secretly a raging Plato worshipper and didn't believe in marriage."

"Plato?"

"He's an ancient philosopher. Wrote some mumbo-jumbo criticising the institution of marriage. Very famous stuff in the Muggle world."

"Right."

"I don't even understand half the things I say anymore."

With a laugh, Neville put his arm around my shoulders. "You've never failed to make me laugh, though."

"Well that's a start," I smiled.

We walked in silence back up to the castle and, instead of making my usual stop at Remus's room, I headed straight into my own and threw the Floo powder into the fireplace, sticking my head into it.

"Oi!" I yelled across to Seamus, who was, inexplicably, sitting on his couch doing absolutely nothing.

He jumped about ten feet into the air. "Hollie? Why would you do that?"

"To make up for being a bad friend," I said. "I thought you might be lonely."

"My life is always lonely without you, Hollie."

Laughing, Seamus moved over to the fireplace and sat cross-legged in front of it. "How are you?"

My stare was as blank as my emotional state. "Really swell. I'm having a great time."

"This patrol thing not all it was cracked up to be?"

"God no. It's so _boring. _I just want to run at those stupid Death Eater's and shake them and tell them that they're being ridiculous and they need to make a new plan."

"And how is it with Remus?"

I was momentarily stumped. Did I tell Seamus about my affair (because yes, it was an affair and calling it anything else would _not _make the rose smell any different) or did I keep it from him?

It's not that I didn't believe I could trust him. I knew that if I told Seamus he wouldn't tell anyone and he probably wouldn't even give me any of those annoying lectures about morality and doing the right thing, but at the same time I felt like I'd be betraying Remus if I did tell him.

I didn't know at which point it was that I decided Remus was the most important thing in the world to me, but even in that moment I wasn't sure I liked it.

"I'm getting by," I lied yet again. "It's actually not that bad."

Seamus smiled. "Good. I'm proud of you, Hol. You're stronger than I would be."

I felt sick as the words came out of his mouth.

ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ

I crawled into my room at around four o'clock and laid there, eyes wide open and staring at the ceiling. Lying to my best friend had affected me more than I liked and I wasn't in the mood to listen to Remus be all understanding and soothing. I wanted to feel awful for a few hours.

Thankfully we'd stopped patrolling during the day. We had ascertained that the Death Eaters weren't there to attack anyone and that they'd only be searching for the stone at night so we had the days to ourselves and the mornings to sleep in.

I was out cold by four-fifteen.

ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ

There were times when I could remember my dreams vividly and times when I woke up and wondered what the hell had been happening in my head for the last eight hours. Most of the vivid ones came with severe fatigue, and this occasion was no exception.

My surroundings were totally white. It would have been blinding had I been conscious. It looked vaguely like the Gryffindor common room and, upon seeing my favourite chair, I realized it _was_ the Gryffindor common room. I could see the back of someone's head sitting on the couch adjacent to my chair and it looked vaguely familiar.

"Hi, Hollie."

I froze. "Sirius?"

He turned to face me and grinned widely. "Who else?"

"Someone who isn't dead, perhaps?"

"But you're dreaming," he pointed out. "Why would you dream someone you can talk to in real life?"

"But if I _am _dreaming, what you say holds no water anyway because it's all coming from my own subconscious."

"Ah, but you see, you don't have access to your own subconscious except in your dreams. Maybe it'll tell you something you've needed to hear."

Cautiously, I sat down and faced him.

I could feel myself tearing up. I missed Sirius more than I knew and seeing him, even in my dream, was painful at best. "Are you okay, Sirius?"

He smiled. "Of course I'm okay."

"But seeing as how you're speaking on behalf of my subconscious I have no way of knowing," I said.

"No," he agreed. "But it's nice to hear it, right?"

I returned his smile. "It's nice to hear your voice."

We sat in silence for a moment and I stared at him. In my subconscious, Sirius looked almost exactly as he did when he died. He was kind of shiny but I attributed that to the intense whiteness of the scene. The only colour came from the two of us and the couches we sat on – there was nothing else in the space where we sat.

"You're feeling guilty about Remus and you want some guidance."

He said it as a statement instead of a question and I couldn't deny it. "Kind of."

"You know what I'm going to say, don't you?"

"I'm hoping you'll say something helpful and upbeat, actually."

He shook his head. "You know it's wrong."

"I know," I sighed. "I've been so wrapped up that I haven't really been focusing on morality."

"There's going to come a time when you're going to have to make a choice," Sirius said.

I raised an eyebrow. "_I _have to make a choice? Isn't _he _the one that has to make a choice?"

Sadly, Sirius shook his head. "I'm not talking about the choice between you and Tonks. I'm talking about the choice between right and wrong."

"Rubbish," I muttered.

"Just trust me," Sirius said, smiling. "I'm you, remember? Who can you trust if you can't trust yourself?"

I felt everything going fuzzy and I realised I was losing my coherence. I took one final look at the godfather I'd preserved so nicely in my head and closed my eyes.

"I'd trust anyone else before I trusted myself."

ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ

"Hollie," he whispered into my ear. "Wake up you lazy sod."

"Go away, Harry."

"Not likely."

Groaning, I opened my eyes and squinted at my infuriating twin brother. "What do you want?"

"I wanted to talk," he said, shrugging. "I feel like I haven't you in ages."

"We see each other every day."

"And still I don't know what's going in your life."

I sat up and looked at him. It really was bizarre to see his face so full of light, even after so much time. I guess when you spend your whole life with someone and you get used to their mannerisms, it takes a while to get used to it when they suddenly change.

"So?"

I frowned. "So what?"

"What's going on?"

"Nothing," I rolled my eyes. "I can't wait to leave here for Easter holidays."

Harry looked confused. "Are we leaving?"

"God yes!" I exclaimed. "There's no way I'm staying here when I know for a fact that Molly is going to have a delectable feast waiting for us at The Burrow."

"Has McGonagall okayed that?" Harry asked.

"Who cares?"

"We're still meant to be patrolling!"

I laughed. "Harry, nothing is going to happen in four days that hasn't happened for months."

"Maybe," he nodded. "But this is also the part where they find the stone because we're not here."

"I'm not entirely sure what we're supposed to do when they find it anyway."

Harry paused. "That's a good point."

We heard the portrait hole open and my eyes widened as Remus started climbing through. Harry turned around and frowned. "Lupin? What are you doing here?"

"Uh," Remus stuttered, searching for an excuse. My face started to break out in a smile as I watched him flounder about. "I was just… making sure Hollie had eaten."

Harry cocked an eyebrow. "Right."

"You know, breakfast is the most important meal of the day," Remus rambled. "I wouldn't want Hollie to miss out on that."

I snorted loudly and Harry looked between the two of us, a mixture of confusion and amusement colouring his face. "I see. Well, I'm pretty much done here anyway. I'll talk to you later, Hol."

"Sure thing, Haz."

"Tell me you didn't just call me Haz."

"I won't do that."

He rolled his eyes at me and got off my bed, strolling to the portrait hole and leaving without another word. I continued smiling at Remus, willing myself not to laugh at his obvious discomfort.

"That was really terrible," I told him as he glared at me. "Just truly awkward for everyone involved."

"He caught me by surprise," Remus mumbled, running a hand through his sandy blonde hair.

I felt a little bad for him so I stood up and walked towards him, wrapping my arms around his waist and smiling up at him. All the guilt and sickness from earlier had all but dissipated at the sight of him - such was the power of love.

He sighed and kissed me on the head as I leaned into him. "Why didn't you come back to my room last night?"

"I went to Floo Seamus first," I explained.

"Oh."

"What?"

"What?"

"You said 'oh'."

"Yes."

I pulled away and stared at him. "Why did you say 'oh'?"

Remus hesitated before answering. "I just didn't know if you would tell him about us or not."

"Naturally that's your first thought," I grumbled.

"Don't be mad," he laughed. "I just don't think it's a good idea if you tell anyone… even Seamus."

"I can trust him," I argued, even though I had come to the same conclusion not eight hours ago.

Gently, Remus put his hands on my arms and smiled at me. "I know you can. But still…"

"I know," I sighed. "I made the same decision when I spoke to him."

"Is that okay with you?"

I shrugged. "Not really, but I don't have a choice. I'll just add it onto the list of terrible things I've done lately. Having an affair with a married man, using a memory charm on my brother, lying to my best friend…"

"Hey," Remus frowned at me. "If this is really getting to you, maybe we shouldn't…"

He trailed off but I knew what he was going to say. I closed my eyes and shook my head. "I'm okay. I just had a weird dream this morning."

"It's going to be difficult when we're at The Burrow for Easter."

"Yep," I nodded. "We're going to have to restrain ourselves."

"Absolutely," Remus agreed, nodding along with me.

As we stood there and nodded at each other like a couple of moronic bobble-head dolls, I think we both realised that being covert was going to be a hell of a challenge.

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><p><strong>I'm going against the grain today and I'm not going to post a long-ass author's note at the end.<strong>

**Thanks to everyone who added this to favourites and alerts and stuff. You're all awesome.**


	11. Chapter 11

**CHAPTER ELEVEN: DON'T GO NOW 'CAUSE I NEED YOU RIGHT HERE, I'D GIVE AWAY EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING FOR THIS**

"Did you just pack everything you own in here?"

Smirking, I leaned against the nearest wall and watched Harry lug my two trunks into the room I was sharing with Hermione and Ginny. "Not everything. Just the essentials."

"You could help you know," he said whilst glaring at me.

"I could," I nodded. "But helping seems kind of overrated."

We'd arrived at The Burrow at some time after eight o'clock that morning. Molly immediately started fussing over us, commenting on how we were both too skinny and hadn't been eating enough since being on our own. I'd just rolled my eyes and let her feed me an assortment of breakfast foods.

"You realise you're a wizard, right?"

He stared at me. "What?"

"You're a _wiz-ard_," I repeated, enunciating the syllables clearly. "You can _wingardium leviosa _that stuff right over into the corner. That was first year, Harry."

A wave of comprehension seemed to wash over him. "I knew that."

"Of course you did," I smiled, patting him on the shoulder and leaving him to rediscover his magic.

Remus and I had discussed what was going to happen when we arrived at The Burrow and we'd decided that it would be best to speak to each other as little as possible – we weren't sure what people would pick up by watching us interact.

Despite this arrangement, I was determined to keep an eye on him. Tonks was coming to stay for the weekend and was leaving Teddy with her mother so I was already suspicious of her intentions. Never mind that she was his wife and whatever intentions she had were technically perfectly acceptable; I didn't see the world through rose-coloured glasses.

"Hollie, dear," Molly smiled at me and lead me into the kitchen. "Everyone's in the kitchen! There's someone waiting for you."

I frowned. "Someone's waiting for me? Shouldn't everyone be keenly awaiting my arrival?"

Molly laughed but didn't entertain my blatant self-absorption. As we entered the kitchen I saw Hermione, Ginny, Tonks, Remus, Arthur, Fred, Angelina and Kingsley gathered around the dining table, with one person I hadn't expected to see.

"What's going on, Grapefruit?"

I screamed with delight. "Seamus!"

Keeping with tradition, I ran into his arms and wrapped my legs around his waist. It was our typical greeting; a little racy to some, but to us it was absolutely normal. Regardless, I could feel Remus's stare on me and I disentangled myself from my best friend, getting a good look at him.

"Merlin," I grinned at him. "I haven't seen you in ages! You've gotten like half an inch taller!"

He glared at me sarcastically, well aware that I was digging at his lack of height. "I see you still stand at the same elf-like height."

"Five foot three is hardly elf-like, friend."

"Keep telling yourself that, buddy."

We grinned at each other and I hugged him again. "It's so good to see you."

"You too, Hol."

"You two seem overly excited to see each other," Remus pointed out, sending me a forced smile.

I raised an eyebrow. "Yes, Remus. It's exciting to see your best friend for the first time in months."

He nodded sceptically and put his arm around Tonks, who leaned slightly away from him and frowned at his bizarre behaviour. If he was hoping to be surreptitious he was failing dismally.

An hour later, after catching up with Seamus and sitting down to a larger than average morning tea, I pulled Remus aside in the hallway.

"What the hell was that in there?" I hissed. "That wasn't very stealthy of you, Remus."

He shrugged. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I don't know, maybe the display of extreme jealousy? How are you going to explain that to Tonks?"

"She didn't notice anything."

"Clearly you didn't see the look on her face."

"_You _clearly didn't see yourself with Seamus."

I gaped. "You've got to be kidding me."

"What?" Remus said. "You did used to date him."

"So what, you think there's residual feelings there or something?" I asked in disbelief.

"It's not unheard of."

"Oh my God."

"Hollie, you don't understand!" He sighed, clearly exasperated. "It's terrifying being with you, you know that?"

I paused, the look of inexplicable horror frozen on my face. "Excuse me?"

"You're so much better than me," he muttered. "You're so... beautiful and funny and wise. You deserve more than me and it's terrifying to think that you're going to realise that."

Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and placed a hand on his cheek. "You are unbelievable."

"In a good way?"

"In an infuriating way. There's nothing between me and Seamus."

"I wouldn't be mad if there was, you know."

"Quite frankly that's a little insulting."

Remus grinned at me and placed a kiss on my forehead. "You make me laugh."

"Lucky," I said. "If I didn't I'd really have nothing going for me."

"Er... wotcher, Hollie."

I practically leaped towards the other side of the room. Tonks was standing in the doorway, her hair flame red, her eyes widened with a heightened sense of curiosity. Remus was frozen to the spot, clearly unsure of what to say or do.

"Hey, Tonks," I said, trying to smile confidently at her. "What's up?"

"I could say the same thing," she said warily, looking between the two of us with a confused smile planted on her face.

I had to think quick. "Remus was just... comforting me. I was a little upset."

"Oh?"

"I had a dream about Sirius the other night. I just really miss him."

"I see."

She didn't look convinced but she nodded slowly and moved towards Remus, wrapping her arms around his waist possessively and smiling at me. "Good thing my husband was on loan then, eh?"

It took every ounce of strength inside me not to leap at her and strangle her on the spot. I couldn't explain the sudden desire to do that to her but it was overwhelming – the way she staked her claim on Remus right in front of me was undeniably a stab in my direction and, even though I didn't really blame her, it killed me that she could be so petty right to my face.

Remus sensed the tension in the room. "Right. Well, now that... Hollie's okay... I'm just going to... uh..."

Without another word he left the room, shaking his head as he entered the hallway and went down the stairs. If the situation weren't so serious I would have laughed.

"So."

Tonks was staring at me, a sickeningly sweet smile on her face.

"So," I said, nodding uncomfortably and crossing my arms.

"When I asked you to stay close to Remus," Tonks said. "I didn't mean that you could make a move on my husband."

"Sorry?"

"Don't you remember the conversation we had before you left for Hogwarts?"

ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ

"_Wotcher, Hollie!"_

_I was busy packing my stuff to take to Hogwarts and, at that moment, I was tossing up between my light blue pair of jeans and my dark blue pair. I didn't see any reason I'd need to take both but it was so difficult choosing between them._

"_Hey, Tonks."_

"_Packing for Hogwarts?"_

"_Nope, I'm packing for an entirely different trip I'm going on."_

"_Funny."_

"_I thought so."_

_She grinned at me in her usual jovial manner and sat on my bed, sighing and laying back. "We really need to get a king-sized bed. Yours never fails to amaze me in its comfort."_

"_That's not the bed," I told her. "That's the mattress. It has about four layers of memory foam on it."_

_"I don't know what that is but it sounds like something I should have."_

"_It's something everyone should have."_

_I could tell she had something to talk to me about – Tonks rarely came to see me without a clearly defined purpose. Instead of asking her, though, I held up both pairs of jeans. "Which ones should I take with me?"_

_She hesitated before pointing to the dark ones. "The dark ones are more slimming."_

"_Are you suggesting I need slimming?" I teased, grinning with my tongue through my teeth._

"_Please," she rolled her eyes. "You are ridiculously skinny. I had a baby twelve months ago; I still feel like a lump on legs."_

"_Take solace in the fact that you don't look like one."_

"_Cheers."_

_She sat on my bed in silence for another moment before launching into her speech. "I need to ask you a favour."_

"_Sure," I nodded, dropping both pairs of jeans in my trunk and smiling cheerfully at her. "Go ahead."_

"_Can you keep an eye on Remus for me while you guys are away?"_

_I froze and stared at her. "What?"_

_She sighed. She almost seemed to deflate._

"_I'm worried about him. He's not been himself."_

_I tried not to look at her for fear I'd reveal that it was my fault. "But why do you want _me _to keep an eye on him?"_

"_There are only two people in the world who love Remus enough to protect him no matter what," she said. "One of them is you."_

_Surprise. "You know?"_

"_Of course I know," she chuckled. "Everyone knows. You didn't really keep it a secret."_

"_I guess not."_

"_The point is that you've proven on more than one occasion that you can and will protect him no matter what, and I won't feel right about him being there without me unless I know that he's got you."_

_It astounded and sickened me that she trusted me so much with her husband. Astounded, because she knew how I felt and trusted me not to make a move. Sickened, because that trust was so obviously misplaced._

_ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ_

"Hollie?"

"Sorry," I blinked. "I was just thinking back to it."

"So you remember that we had that conversation?"

"Yes."

"And you remember that I trusted you?"

"Of course."

"So what's going on here?"

I forced out a smile. "Nothing, Tonks. He was honestly just comforting me."

"I'm supposed to believe that?" She laughed, shocked. "He was kissing you!"

"_On the forehead_," I said slowly. "Sirius used to do that."

She snorted scathingly. "How do we know _he _didn't have feelings for you?"

"Now you're just being silly," I pointed out.

Tonks was taking deep breaths. I could tell she was mad, not just because of the things she was saying and the way she was rapidly becoming more and more hysterical, but because she looked close to tears and her face was turning bright red. There was something else at play though.

"Tonks," I said gently, putting a hand on her shoulder cautiously. "Is there something else going on?"

She sighed shakily, her bottom lip wobbling. "I feel like I'm losing him, Hollie."

My eyes widened.

Her suspicions weren't far off. Of course Remus was distant – he was having an affair! I mean, it was a pretty rubbish kind of affair – we hadn't gotten further than first base yet – but an affair it was. How could he face his wife when he knew there was something going on behind her back and she didn't know about it? How could he when he knew how betrayed and hurt she'd feel?

"He's been a bit weird, yes, but I don't think that means you're losing him."

Tonks nodded. "I'm overreacting, right? I mean Merlin… if I can't trust you, of all people…"

The conversation was quickly becoming one of the most uncomfortable in my life so I turned her around and walked her out the door. "Come on. Let's go and help Molly with dinner."

ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ

It was Good Friday and dinner was immensely satisfying; it was like a Hogwarts feast in the comfort of The Burrow. I was sat across from Remus and Tonks, both of them having calmed down significantly since our afternoon episode.

"Thank you so much, Molly," Hermione said, her hand grasping Ron's on top of the table. "That was delectable."

Molly waved away the compliment and blushed furiously. "It was nothing, it was nothing."

Seamus nudged me and leaned over. "Remus hasn't stopped looking at you all night. Are you sure nothing's going on between you two?"

We'd briefly discussed Remus as we set the table earlier but I'd alluded to nothing. Seamus, however, was far too insightful for his own good.

"Please," I shook my head. "He's probably just marvelling at my wit and charm."

"And your tits."

"Seamus!"

"What? You can't deny that the shirt you're wearing wasn't specifically designed to show them off."

"It's a t-shirt."

"A _v-neck _t-shirt."

"You're grasping at straws here."

"Possibly."

He grinned at me and I poked my tongue out at him. It was a display that proved to me that, although we'd grown up and grown slightly apart, everything was okay between us. At least, it would be until he found out that I'd been lying to him.

"Alright!" Molly announced. "Boys, dishes! No, not you, Remus dear, you helped quite enough with dinner. Ronald Weasley, don't think you're getting out of it!"

I laughed and pushed Seamus off his chair. Luckily his feet were quicker than my hands and he landed on them, but he glared at me. "Very funny."

"You're the third person to tell me that today!"

"I was being sarcastic."

"So was I. Not really, actually, I was a hundred percent serious."

Seamus rolled his eyes and stalked towards the kitchen. I stretched and got out of my own chair, perfectly ready to go to bed. Tonks was in the kitchen helping Molly supervise and I didn't know where Remus had gotten to, but I said goodnight to Arthur and Kingsley and smiled at Ginny and Hermione.

"I'll see you guys tomorrow."

"We have much to discuss," Hermione said, a sly smile on her face. "Like the way Remus was staring at you _all night_."

I scoffed. "Everyone's saying that! I was just being hilarious, it's nothing new."

"That's not what it looked like," Ginny smirked.

Grinning, I turned away from them and headed up the stairs without another word. It bothered me a little bit that people were picking up on the fact that something was going on but I didn't for a second think that they would ever actually find anything out. I was too confident, too self-assured, and in the end that would be my downfall. The only thing that really worried me at that point was the way Tonks had stared at me all the way through dinner. She was the reason I didn't notice Remus staring; I was noticing her staring at me.

Even as I walked up the stairs, I glimpsed back into the kitchen and saw that she was watching me. Her eyes averted as she noticed me looking but I saw what was in them.

Distrust.

Before I had another moment to think about it any further, I was being thrown up against the hallway wall as Remus's lips came crashing down onto mine.

"Woah!" I gasped, pushing him away and staring at him, wide-eyed. "What are you doing? You're so bad at hiding this!"

"I can't help it," he breathed into my ear as he started leaving a trail of kisses down my neck.

Moaning, I bit my lip and shook my head, weakly trying to push him away again. "We can't do this here!"

Remus sighed and pulled away, staring at me with lust-filled eyes. "Okay."

"Is it the shirt?"

"The shirt has a lot to do with it, yes."

Inwardly cursing Seamus, I kissed Remus hard on the lips before opening my bedroom door and leaning in the doorway. "Your wife is so suspicious. This is not the time or the place."

"I doubt there'll ever be a time or a place."

I bit my lip again, a nervous habit. "We go back to Hogwarts in three days."

"That's true," Remus nodded. I could tell he was grinding his teeth – his nervous habit.

A smile crept onto my face as I started to close the door behind me. He opened his mouth to protest but I shook my head. "Just wait until we get to the place and then we can decide the time."

"Goodnight!" He called through the crack in the door as I closed it.

Taking a deep breath, I leaned my head against the back of the door and slid down it, my hand covering the massive grin that was forming.

There was really no turning back now.

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><p><strong>Good things are coming, people!<strong>

**I know it seems like this is going nowhere fast but remember when I said this was going to be long? Trust me on this - all the things you've been asking for are coming, it'll just take some time. **

**In other news, here are the songs from each chapter that I've missed:**

_**Chapter 8: Feeder - Feeling A Moment**_

_**Chapter 9: Dashboard Confessional - No News Is Bad News**_

_**Chapter 10: Hot Hot Heat - Middle Of Nowhere**_

**Also, I can't let you read chapters ahead of time, unfortunately. I've only got 8000 characters for a private message and it doesn't let me send links so if you do guess the song, you can read the first 8000 characters of the next chapter. Remember to activate private messaging, too.**

**Cheers, men!**


	12. Chapter 12

Gentlemen! It's been a while. This is largely due to two things: I've been busy in the Christmas period, as people usually are – last year I had my shopping done and tree up by the end of October and right now its three days to Christmas and I haven't done ANYTHING.

The other thing is that I'm now pregnant – I'm four months along. As you can probably understand, this has caused much stress and sleepless nights but also a great deal of happiness and parties in my honour.

There are three parts to this chapter – one set in the past, one spoken from Harry's point of view and one from Remus'. If I'm being honest, I wrote this months ago and never ended up posting it. My bad. It's probably still rubbish as well but I figured something crap is better than nothing.

For the people wanting to know more about Hollie – it's coming. I've got a pretty clearly defined path I want this story to go in so I'm trying not to deviate too much. You're welcome.

Also, I can't, for some reason, get this chapter to NOT show up in bold font. Not sure why. Sorry.

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><p><strong>CHAPTER TWELVE: TO THE RAIN THAT KEPT FALLING AND THOSE YEARS OFF THE RAILS, WHEN WE SMILED LIKE TWO SAILORS WITH HOLES IN OUR SAILS<strong>

**_1991_**

"What do you feel like eating?"

I poked my head around the corner. "They'll notice if you take something."

"So?" Harry shrugged, rummaging through the refrigerator. "They obviously don't expect us to starve."

"I wouldn't be too sure about that," I muttered, more to myself than to my brother.

Ten-year-old Harry held almost none of the qualities eighteen-year-old Harry did. He was short, for one thing, and he insisted this was because Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were keeping him so downtrodden that it was stunting his growth. Given how much he grew when we left their full-time care, I thought he might be onto something.

"Here," Harry handed me an orange and a mandarin; I loved citrus fruits. "I don't think they'll notice the fruit drawer being empty."

"No, but they'll notice your fingerprints on the stainless steel fridge."

"Not if I clean them off first."

I rolled my eyes at my naïve brother. If there was one thing he should have learnt about Aunt Petunia by now, it was that there was no amount of chemical that could hide fingerprints from her beady eyes.

Harry sat down on the couch beside me and turned on the television while I read my book. It was the same book I'd read a thousand times – _Les Miserables _– but seeing as how Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon weren't keen on purchasing us new things, it was all I had. I'd first read it at eight years old when I'd taken it from their bookcase and had understood nothing. Forty-nine times later, I was finally beginning to understand the concept but certainly not the language. It would be years before I could read it with utter comprehension.

It was a rare day when Harry and I got the house to ourselves. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon had taken our cousin Dudley and his friends to some amusement park, leaving us behind and warning us not to touch anything.

Of course, we never heeded this warning. We were very thorough – everything seemed untouched by the time they got home.

I looked up at the television and then peered at Harry. "The news? That's what you choose to watch when you have a choice of anything television has to offer?"

"_EastEnders _is on afterwards."

"Really? _EastEnders_? Can't you watch something good?"

"You're not even watching!"

"I can hear it, though. _Antiques Roadshow _is on BBC1, put that on."

"You _must _be joking."

"I don't joke."

He was staring at me with a kind of resentful annoyance and I stared right back at him, never backing down. We often had these kinds of exchanges, especially whilst arguing about television shows.

This exchange was an interesting insight into the relationship between Harry and I as children. Though our Aunt and Uncle, menaces that they were, inadvertently forced us to cooperate and get along, our relationship was never very solid. We lived totally separate lives; at school, we spoke to each other only when necessary. Neither of us had any friends because Dudley had intimidated the whole school against us but that didn't make us want to form a bond of any sort. I, for one, was quite happy on my own, and I could only guess that he was too.

After fifteen minutes of _EastEnders _blaring from the television, I stood up and took my book upstairs.

Harry and I had shared the cupboard under the stairs until quite recently when it was ascertained that we no longer fit in there. It had never bothered me very much – I wasn't bothered by confined spaces and I certainly didn't want to spend more time than necessary with my family – but some people might have frowned upon it. Since growing, though, we'd moved into Dudley's spare bedroom, taking turns to sleep on the floor while the other slept on the bed.

"Where'd you go?"

"I can't listen to that trash anymore."

"Do you really want to watch _Antiques Roadshow_?"

"I like to listen to it, yes."

I heard him sigh. "Fine, I'll put it on. Come keep me company though."

At that moment, I heard a car pull into the driveway. I rushed down the stairs and ran to Harry, wide-eyed. "What are they doing home so early?"

He was two steps ahead of me. "Quick! Smooth out the couch cushions!"

Harry was in the kitchen within seconds, wiping down all the surfaces and spraying disinfectant on the fridge. I was putting the remotes back in their places and smoothing creases off the couch and by the time the Dursley's were in the house, Harry and I were upstairs again, breathless and hoping to God that they didn't notice anything out of place.

After five minutes went by, Harry let out a sigh of relief. The Dursley's were talking loudly about a company deal that was going to give Uncle Vernon a fair amount of money to buy a new car with and they clearly hadn't noticed that we'd even breathed in the living room, let alone taken food from the fridge.

"Do you think things will ever get better?"

Harry asked me this question five times a week and every time I gave him the same answer.

"They've got to," I replied, almost as if it were rehearsed. "Something's going to change for us. We just have to rough it out until it does."

**_1999_**

Hollie was far too jovial for Harry's liking.

Their roles had seemed to reverse after the war ended. Harry became more happy-go-lucky and Hollie had withdrawn slightly, sometimes staring blankly into space as she sat alone.

Harry had become so accustomed to this that seeing her as happy as she had been over the last few months had him completely suspicious. Not to mention that there was a rather large gap in his memory that began one day as he'd gone to bed and ended when he was standing in front of a sobbing Hollie. Despite her admission that he had been sleep walking, he didn't buy it.

They'd arrived back at Hogwarts two days earlier and she was walking around with a grin plastered on her face, scaring everyone around her. Harry had taken to watching her carefully over meals to see what had changed.

To most people, Hollie would be fairly average. She wasn't brilliant in any one subject at school and the magic she could pull off was acceptable at best. It worried Harry that she was so vulnerable out there watching the Death Eaters – if they caught her, she'd have no chance.

She was pretty. Harry found it hard to be objective because she was his sister and it was a little weird to think of her that way, but since he'd been watching her his only summation was that she was in love and someone was in love with her. It wouldn't be hard to fall in love with her; Seamus had once explained to Harry what it was that he loved about her and he had to admit that it made sense.

"_It's the way she holds herself," _Seamus had said. _"The way she smiles. She's got this kind of aura… like a kind of unconventional attractiveness that makes it slightly easier to overlook the fact that she looks a lot like you, mate."_

"You're getting creepy."

Hollie sat down next to him, her recently shortened black hair flicking him in the face as she did so. Harry raised his eyebrows. "How am I getting creepy?"

"Please," she grinned. "You think I haven't noticed you staring at me? I feel stalked."

"Sorry."

"You don't ever have to be sorry about anything. I'm just letting you know that it's getting creepy."

The way she smiled at him… Harry was certain that it was love. It was a look reflected in his eyes when he looked at Ginny and Hermione's when she talked about Ron. The only problem was that Harry knew exactly who she was in love with and it could mean nothing good if she was this happy because of it.

"Duly noted," Harry nodded, forcing out a smile. "I've just been wondering what's been going on with you lately. You're too happy."

She rolled her eyes. "What is it with you people wanting me to explain the fact that I'm not miserable? Do I need to make a public apology or something?"

"Nope. It's just weird. Unusual."

"It's unusual that _you _are happy all the time, Harry. You were the perma-depressed one, remember?"

With that, Hollie got up and left as quickly as she'd arrived, practically skipping down towards the doors and breezing through them on her way to bound through daisy fields and whatever other fairy-tale clichés she could manage.

Harry glared after her before his gaze was averted. A beautiful red-head was smiling up at him as she passed Hollie on her way in, and before Harry knew it he was practically running towards her, totally unaware of how much he missed her every time he was away.

"Ginny," he almost sighed as his lips met hers. "What are you doing here?"

"You owled me, remember?"

Comprehension. "Right. Do you have a moment to talk?"

"That's why I'm here," she grinned, taking his hand and leading him out into the grounds.

ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ

"You want to know who Hollie is in love with?"

Ginny was staring up at her boyfriend in total disbelief. He didn't seem to think there was anything wrong with this question but the way she was looking at him suggested that it was a silly thing to ask.

"She's too happy," Harry grumbled, running a hand casually through his messy locks. "It's definitely love but I just don't know who. Is she back with Seamus?"

"Of course not," Ginny frowned. "She's in love with Remus, Harry. I thought everyone knew that."

He shrugged. "We did. But she was always so miserable because he married Tonks and she never got her chance, and now all of a sudden she's just…"

"Are you really that concerned?"

"Her happiness isn't all that's bothering me."

"What else is there?"

He took a deep breath before he launched into his explanation about the night he couldn't remember, scrunching his eyes shut as he desperately tried to remember what he'd been doing. Ginny sat and listened to him carefully, not wanting to make any judgments before he finished. She was thinking he was a little bit crazy but she didn't dare say that to him.

"She told me I was sleepwalking," he concluded. "But I don't sleepwalk, you know that! I can't help but wonder…"

"You think she put a memory charm on you," Ginny said.

Harry sighed. "Maybe. Maybe I walked in on something she didn't want me to see."

Ginny had to stop herself from laughing. "Harry, come on. Hollie can barely disarm people; do you really think she could pull off a memory charm that precise?"

"I guess not."

"_Of course _not. Stop worrying so much Harry. Hollie would tell _someone _if she and Remus were together."

"I suppose."

"Leave her alone. We can't begrudge her happiness."

"I know."

Ginny smiled at him and placed a hand gently on his cheek. "You're a good brother for worrying, Harry, but she's a big girl. You guys don't need to protect each other now."

Even as she said it, Harry was inwardly disagreeing. As far as he was concerned, it was always going to be up to him to protect his sister.

ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ ϟ

Remus watched Hollie intently as she got out of bed and shuffled around the room, quietly trying not to wake him. He smiled peacefully as he watched her try to tame her hair in front of the mirror. After untangling what she could, she bent over and tied it in a knot on top of her head, sighing dissatisfiedly when she came back up to the mirror.

"You look beautiful," Remus called across the room. She jumped slightly and turned, wide-eyed, to where he was laying on the bed.

She smiled. "I look like a trollop, actually, but nothing that can't be fixed with a nice long shower."

"You don't want to take one here?"

"Oh yes," she said sarcastically as she made her way to the bed and sat down on the edge, pulling on her shoes. "That would be exactly the time someone would walk in and hear the shower running and wonder who the Hell is showering in your room that isn't you."

"You think too much."

"Funnily enough, it used to be me saying that to you."

She crawled next to Remus and placed a quick kiss on his lips. "Besides, Harry's getting way too suspicious for me to be spending all my time here. I wouldn't be surprised if he starts watching me on the Marauder's Map all night."

"What makes you say that?" Remus asked.

"He stares at me at breakfast," she shrugged. "I asked him about it yesterday and he said that I was too happy for something to not be wrong."

Remus couldn't help but smile at this. "Are you, though? Happy?"

The smile that lit up her face was enough to make Remus's heart ache. "It's scary how happy I am, Remus."

With that, she stood up and left without another word, closing the door carefully behind her. Remus suspected that she'd go to her room and go straight to sleep again, shoes on and all. Since they'd arrived back at Hogwarts there hadn't been a night that wasn't sleepless.

Remus rolled onto his back and sighed as he stared at the ceiling. It was hard for him to be alone these days. Whenever Hollie wasn't around – which, granted, wasn't often – he had time alone to think about what he was doing, and to him that was the hardest thing about it.

He'd never considered himself a bad person and not once in his life had he imagined that he'd be in this position. The problem was that, no matter how hard he tried to reason with himself or how he tried to tell himself that he loved Tonks, he knew that he didn't. There was some part of him that always knew that the only reason he was with her was because she had been so unhappy when he first denied her. He'd talked himself into loving her and now, knowing what it felt like to be with Hollie, he knew that what he felt for Tonks was never love.

Not wanting any more time to think, he got up and took to cleaning up the mess they'd made the night before. There were clothes strewn across the room and in one corner were the remains of a vase Hollie had knocked over three nights ago. It was a wonder that the whole castle couldn't hear them as they laughed and sang and danced around the room night after night. Not that they'd care, of course; they were in their own little world in the confines of that room and it was as if nobody else existed.

After a while, Remus decided to head down to breakfast. He didn't think he'd get too much thinking in as he was surrounded by other people.

"Remus!"

Harry caught up with him as he strolled down the hall.

Casually, Remus smiled. "Hello, Harry. How are you?"

"Great," he said hurriedly. "Look, I need to ask you a question."

This could be the suspicion Hollie was talking about. "Okay."

"Do you know what's going on with Hollie?"

"No," Remus answered, feigning surprise. "What's going on with her?"

Harry sighed, defeated. "I wish I knew. I thought you might – you seem to be spending a lot of time with her these days."

"I haven't noticed anything."

"You don't think it's weird how happy she is?"

Remus shook his head. "It's nice that she's happy, don't you think?"

"I suppose," Harry agreed slowly. "But there's got to be a reason. Is anything going on with the two of you?"

"Of course not," Remus said, too quickly for Harry not to notice.

He did notice, of course. Harry was on the lookout for any and all suspicious activity from Remus and Hollie, and his response to the question did Remus no favours. "I see. 'Cause you know she's in love with you, right?"

"She told me something like that," Remus nodded, trying to regain his composure. "I thought maybe the relief of getting it off her chest might be the reason for her heightened spirits."

Harry narrowed his eyes as they approached the doors to the Great Hall. It was only six o'clock so they were still closed – they wouldn't open until half past. "Yeah. Maybe."

"Is there something else on your mind, Harry?"

They both paused in front of the doors and Harry shook his head. "Of course not. It was ludicrous of me to think that anything was going on between the two of you, anyway. Knowing that you definitely know what my father would say about it. You'd never do something that stupid, obviously."

It was a thinly veiled warning and Remus was slightly taken aback by it. Of course, he'd considered what James might say if he knew that he was having an affair with his teenage daughter but, like so many of the other thoughts that constantly flew around in his head, he'd chosen to ignore it.

"Of course," Remus agreed weakly.

Harry smiled, satisfied, but the anger in his eyes was still there as the doors flew open, revealing a freshly showered and dressed Hollie.

"Oh," she said, surprised at seeing the two of them. "What are you both doing out here?"

"I was just asking Remus a couple of questions," Harry smiled. "We were talking about dad, actually."

Hollie's smile faltered. "Oh, okay. What about him?"

"Just what he would say if he ever thought Remus touched you in any way. Pretty funny, really. Anyway, I'm meeting Ginny before classes so I better go eat something quickly."

Remus and Hollie stared wide-eyed at each other as Harry strode through the Great Hall to the teacher's table. Both of them knew what the other was thinking and Remus knew that he was white as a ghost.

"Remus…" Hollie said before biting her lip nervously.

"Not now, Hollie."


	13. Chapter 13

**Mother of GOD - COULD IT BE?**

**It absolutely could. An update! Not sure how good it is and I'm probably going to be ashamed of this in ten minutes time, but it's an update nonetheless.**

**As you can expect, motherhood tends to get in the way of having time to do anything ever. I re-read my profile and it says something about young parents wasting their lives - I'm kind of an enormous hypocrite. Although it wasn't on purpose. Just kinda happened. Not that you give any fraction of a shit, but that's my excuse for being unbearably slack. **

**Luckily for everyone involved, I'm actually working on the next chapter right now! I'm about three pages in, so not even nearly done. But it'll be up soon. I've forgotten where I planned for this story to go but I seem to work better when I've got no clue.**

**EDIT: It's not long at all. Not even nearly. Next chapter will be up tonight to make up for this shitty effort.**

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><p><strong>CHAPTER THIRTEEN: IT'S HARD TO BE THE BETTER MAN WHEN YOU FORGET YOU'RE TRYING, IT'S HARD TO BE THE BETTER MAN WHEN YOU'RE STILL LYING<strong>

By the week following our confrontation with Harry, I knew whatever Remus and I had was over.

He started avoiding me again. He changed the password to his quarters, and although I was ninety percent sure I could probably guess it, I understood the meaning behind it: stay away.

The only saving grace of the whole situation was that he looked absolutely miserable. While I wasn't happy that he was unhappy, I was happy that not being around me made him unhappy. It made it a little easier to accept that we were no longer speaking – although I still had to stop myself from choking into tears at any given moment.

"You're unhappy again."

Harry sat down next to me and stared disparagingly. He must've known that he'd done this and yet he still looked as though I was the one disappointing him.

"Thanks for letting me know."

"I was right, wasn't I?"

"About what?"

"You and Remus."

I sighed. "For God's sake, Harry, let it go. If anything _had _been going on, it certainly isn't now. Just drop it, okay?"

"How can I drop it?" He scowled. "You were having an affair with a married man!"

Although I was glad for his hushed tones, given that we were absolutely surrounded, it didn't stop me shooting him a poisonous glare. "Remus and I were not having an affair, Harry. The sooner you wrap your head around it, the sooner we can all continue living our lives in peace."

"And that night with the huge blank patch?" He asked. "You're going to stick by the 'you were sleepwalking' story, are you?"

"You were sleepwalking."

"I don't sleepwalk."

I slammed my fists on the table, making it shudder and knocking a goblet over up the far end, and stood up in a huff. "You know, some people might expect that, with us being orphans, you'd side with your sister a little more often. I'm glad you were able to show them otherwise though, congratulations!"

I breezed past Remus on my way out of the hall, for the first time not giving him a second glance. For a moment I thought he looked slightly startled, but I was seeing far too much red to care.

Dumbledore had once sat me down to explain why Harry was the 'Chosen One' and I had no importance whatsoever. I was fifteen, Voldemort had only recently returned and I was utterly confused as to what made my twin brother so special.

"_It's not that you're not special, Hollie," _Dumbledore had said. _"There are just key factors involved in Harry being Chosen that didn't apply to you."_

"_I just want to understand why Harry has all these higher responsibilities and I just constantly get shoved aside."_

Because I did often get pushed aside for the more important sibling, which was a blessing and a curse.

Although I'd always preferred being invisible, when we arrived at Hogwarts, I wasn't anymore. It's one thing for nobody to notice your existence, but it's an entirely other thing for people to know exactly who you are and what your story is but not really care.

That was the story of my life at Hogwarts. I was special to exactly three people – Seamus, Dean and Sirius.

The one thing that made it worth it was the way Sirius and I had bonded. He'd shared the same fate in his own family – he was the one that was less cared about, the one that went against the grain. Although Aunt Petunia and Uncle Dursley didn't care about either of us, we didn't consider them our family – Hogwarts was our family, and Hogwarts cared very much about Harry and very little about me.

But when Sirius was ripped away from me, torn from my life, I felt desperately alone. Despite having Seamus, who loved me, and Dean, who loved me in a different way, I didn't have that one person that I could talk to about anything. I didn't like feeling inadequate or weak around the boys because they were so strong and disarmingly funny. I always felt like I had to match them in some way, and it meant keeping everything that hurt inside.

"_Do you wish it were you that Voldemort had chosen?" _Dumbledore asked me, not being judgmental but furrowing his brow in a curious kind of way.

"_No," _I shook my head slowly. _"I just wish that I could… I dunno… Share some of the responsibility with Harry. I don't want him to feel like he's in this alone but he does and I think sometimes he resents me for not being part of it."_

Dumbledore smiled kindly at me. _"That's very good of you. I, too, have a brother who I think sometimes felt that way. And, like Harry, I shut him out because I felt superior to him and hated the fact that we couldn't share the power I wielded. It has destroyed our family and I wish I had known to make him feel equal."_

"_But even though he hates the fact that it's all on him, he always feels the need to go it alone."_

I told myself for a long time that he was just protecting me from everything because he loved me. In the end, his power and his supposed obligations were just that – his. He didn't want me involved and I felt that it was because he felt more important going it alone.

That's why, when the war ended and his duties were fulfilled, he became increasingly distant from me. Each day that passed tore us apart even more. He was looking for places to live with Ginny which would leave me alone in Sirius's house, something he knew I feared more than anything else.

Although I didn't like to speak for others, I had a gut feeling that the reason he distanced himself from me is because he saw that I wasn't like him. I'd pulled the recessive genes; I was the bad one, the one that was doomed to failure, just like Sirius had been in his family. He didn't want to be in my life long enough to watch me become the evil he had to fight.

And I guess _that _was my biggest fear.

ϟ

Neville found me seething on the floor outside my quarters. Without a word, he slid down the wall next to me. "Are you okay?"

"Sure."

"That was quite a bust-up in there."

"I'm used to it."

Neville nodded, sighing. "I don't have any siblings, but I never imagined it'd be like you and Harry. When you guys came to Hogwarts for the first time, it seemed like you two had some kind of alliance. It's weird to see that disintegrating."

"We never really had an alliance," I shrugged. "We were barely friends. We put up with each other because we were all we had. But we came here and we made new friends and we needed each other less and less. I guess now we don't need each other at all."

"Do you really think that?" Neville frowned.

"Yeah, I do."

He nodded and we sat there in silence. I was glad he didn't have anything else to say but it was nice just to have the company. I vaguely thought about actually going into my quarters and passing out on the couch but never found the strength to do so.

So I closed my eyes, slowly, just for a second.

ϟ

When I opened my eyes it was dark and Neville was gone. It was all I could do not to hyperventilate on the spot – In my weariness, I had no idea where I was, why it was dark or what I was doing on the floor.

I jumped up and stared around frantically, trying to make out some shapes, a light, anything. My eyes were still adjusting and I couldn't see a thing.

Reaching out towards the wall, I felt around until I found the edge of the portrait.

"Shit," I muttered. I'd changed the password from 'oranges' and I couldn't, for the life of me, remember what it was.

"Uh, sugar cubes," I said, feeling as stupid talking to a painting as I always did. "Grapefruit. Starfish. Eggnog. Jiggly wiggly fish."

I spewed out every in-joke I could remember until one from quite recently occurred to me.

_Remus and I were sitting on his bed, my legs crossed and his spread out across the entire bed. He was so tall – I liked that he was tall._

"_What's this song called?" He asked me. I'd acquired an ancient vinyl player from the Room of Requirement and brought some old records from back home. Muggle music was something that Sirius and I had also shared._

"_It's called _Handcuffs_. Do you like it?"_

"_It's soothing. Kind of sad when you listen to it though. What's it about?"_

"_It's open to interpretation really. But I feel like it's about the desire to do something so terrible that you lose all sense of yourself and you watch the good part of you wither and die. But nobody really knows."_

"_That is… completely depressing."_

_I laughed, rolling my eyes at the beautiful man sitting across from me with his hand buried in a bag of potato chips. "I guess that's just life though, right?"_

"_Life is being here with you. That's what it feels like to me."_

I sighed and rested my head against the portrait. "Handcuffs."

It swung open and I felt my way over the entrance and into the room. The lights were dim but it didn't take me long to realise that this wasn't my quarters and I wasn't the only one here.

"Wotcher, Hollie!"

Tonks was sitting on the couch but Remus shot up like a cannon the second he saw me.

"Er," I said nervously, running a hand through my hair. "Sorry. My quarters are right next door and I had been asleep outside so I didn't know where I was so…"

I trailed off, noticing Tonks' look of amusement.

"We know, we saw you," she smiled. "You looked so peaceful there so we just left you."

"Uh, okay," I frowned, staring up at Remus who was conveniently looking at the floor.

"So how'd you know the password to get in?" She asked.

"I forgot mine so I was just saying random words. I guess one of them was right." It didn't occur to me until much later that Remus and I had the same password, obviously taken from the same event. In the moment, I was delirious in the way mid-afternoon napping makes you.

Tonks still had a smile on her face but she looked suspicious. It was a look I guessed I'd have to get used to, and I wasn't wrong.

"So, okay, thanks for leaving me in the hallway. I'm sure I would've been totally safe if, say, I dunno, a DEATH EATER MANAGED TO GET INTO THE SCHOOL, SAW ME SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR AND DECIDED TO KILL ME."

I exploded without warning. "AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT, TONKS, HOW ABOUT YOU GET THAT SMUG LOOK OFF YOUR FACE? I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS BUT MAY I REMIND YOU THAT IT'S US HERE RISKING OUR LIVES WHILE YOU SIT COMFORTABLY AT HOME!"

"Excuse me?!" Tonks stood up, outraged.

"YOU CAN'T EVEN USE THE EXCUSE THAT YOU'RE RAISING YOUR CHILD, BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS THAT TEDDY SPENDS THE MAJORITY OF HIS TIME WITH YOUR PARENTS! YOU MAKE ME OUT TO BE THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD BUT YOU FORGET THAT I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT YOU HAVE! YOU HAVE A MAN WHO LOVES YOU AND A CHILD AND A FAMILY, WHERE I HAVE A BROTHER WHO DOESN'T GIVE TWO THIRDS OF A SHIT ABOUT ME AND FRIENDS THAT LEAVE ME IN A DARK HALLWAY COMPLETELY VULNERABLE!"

Tonks lunged at me, screeching. "How DARE you!"

Before either of us knew what was happening, Remus was between us, his eyes flashing with anger. "BOTH OF YOU STOP!"

There were tears streaming down my face and for the first time I realised I'd been crying. I didn't wait for the inevitable Remus lecture – I stormed out of the room, spat my password at the correct portrait and threw myself at the couch, face down, breathing heavily and getting lightheaded.

I didn't know what had caused it. I'd never been prone to temper tantrums – I was the most level-headed person I knew. Harry had always had the angry streak in the family where I'd been the one calming everybody down, trying to keep the peace.

It did occur to me that I became this way after getting involved with Remus. I felt so defensive, like I had to fight tooth and nail to save my sanity even if it meant alienating everyone.

Staring at the ceiling, I wondered when I'd fall asleep again. I must have spent hours on the floor, and even though I didn't feel remotely rested, I knew my body was going to keep me awake in order to return to normal.

I heard the portrait swing open and the familiar sound of footsteps move towards me, but I didn't expect that the offender would grab me by the arms and pull me into a standing position.

"Hey!" I protested.

"No," Remus snarled, angry at me for the very first time. "I don't know what you were playing at tonight but it is definitely not okay."

I looked up at him and scowled. "Oh, of course, and leaving me on the floor in the hallway was completely okay. Thanks for that by the way, I'll attribute this crick in my neck to you, shall I?"

"You don't get to be condescending! You get to go back into that room and apologize to Tonks, who I might remind you _is my wife!_"

"Hell, is she really? You might want to remind yourself of that, Remus, considering you seem to have forgotten at some point over the last few weeks."

"You confounded me, Hollie, and you knew you were doing it. You played dirty to get me exactly where you wanted me."

"Great, take none of the responsibility then. It takes two, you know."

My voice had lowered to a whisper as I found that being angry took up a whole lot of energy I just didn't have. My eyes were droopy, my brain was almost physically sighing, every limb felt like jelly. I didn't know what was wrong with me but I felt drugged.

"Hollie?"

Hard as I tried, I couldn't keep my eyes open.

Everything went black.

* * *

><p><strong>I've no clue what the last song title was.<strong>


	14. Chapter 14

**As promised. **

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER FOURTEEN: AT NIGHT I WAKE UP WITH THE SHEETS SOAKING WET AND A FREIGHT TRAIN RUNNING THROUGH THE MIDDLE MY HEAD<strong>

_"It's lucky you got her in here when you did - much longer and she might've died."_

_"I don't understand what happened."_

_"She was poisoned, Mister Potter."_

_"But how?"_

_"How am I supposed to know? Stop asking impertinent questions and let me treat her!"_

Everything was fuzzy and I couldn't even think about opening my eyes, but I could hear what the people around me were saying. Harry was probing Madame Pomfrey for information on - what? Poison? Had I been poisoned?

I could feel someone's hand around mine but it wasn't Harry's. He was pacing; I could hear it. The gentle squeeze meant it was Seamus, who hadn't said a word but who felt clammy. He was scared.

_"Wouldn't she have been in her quarters the whole night? How would somebody have gotten into the castle?"_

_"She was outside her quarters."_

Remus. Remus was there. He sounded weak, weaker than I'd ever heard him, even more so than when he learned Tonks was pregnant. What had _happened _to me?

_"What do you mean she was outside?"_

_"She was sleeping," _Remus whispered._ "I didn't want to move her."_

Harry stopped pacing._ "So you're telling me that you saw her sleeping on the floor outside her doorway and didn't think to take her inside?"_

Remus said nothing but given the anger in Harry's voice, I didn't blame him. _"This girl has been in love with you for FIVE FUCKING YEARS and you can't even find the common decency to MOVE HER OUT OF THE FUCKING HALLWAY?!"_

Although I agreed that I'd have liked to have been moved from the hallway, I knew there was probably nothing Remus could have done and I didn't like the way he sounded. I desperately wished that I could open my eyes or muster the strength to defend him but everything felt like lead. My head was heavy and my limbs were numb. I had no idea what had happened to me but I felt like I was forgetting something really important.

"Neville."

I'd said it out loud without even realising, the only hint being that all the movement, all the shouting, stopped.

"Hollie?" Seamus whispered, obviously not wanting to talk too loud.

"Neville was with me," I groaned. "I don't think he'd have left me there."

At that moment, McGonagall entered the room. I could tell by the heels clacking on the tiles and the immediately recognisable sigh. "What's going on?"

"Neville was with Hollie when they fell asleep in the hallway," Harry told her.

"Has anyone seen Longbottom this evening?"

Silence.

"Miss Potter was poisoned and Mister Longbottom was kidnapped," McGonagall said in a low, fuming voice. "Somebody find out who was in my castle and how they got in here. NOW."

Someone followed McGonagall out of the room - I wasn't sure who. Seamus was still next to me but I wasn't sure if Remus or Harry were still there. In an effort to find out, I opened my eyes a tiny bit and immediately regretted it. The sting of the harsh lighting went deep into my brain and the migraine was instantaneous. I did, however, see that Remus was still in the corner, pale and shaking, and Harry was standing at the end of my bed.

"How are you feeling?" Seamus asked nervously.

"Like I've been hit by the Hogwarts Express," I mumbled. "Anyone know what happened?"

Harry nodded. "I walked into your quarters to talk to you about this morning and I saw Remus holding you. I was about to start yelling until I realised you were limp and then Remus turned around and yelled for help. We brought you back here and Madame Pomfrey said it was poison and that it's lucky you weren't…"

He trailed off. I understood that - despite our differences, we didn't want each other to die and it hurt thinking that one of us might. When I saw Harry being carried by Hagrid towards the end of the Battle of Hogwarts, I was inconsolable. I fell into a heap on the floor, not noticing the laughs of the Death Eaters or even the moment Harry rolled out of Hagrid's arms and onto the ground. It was a wonder I managed to get through the battle from there - the thought of losing Harry scared me more than anything.

"How did anyone get in the castle?" Seamus asked nobody in particular.

"There's secret passages everywhere," I said in a voice low enough to not make my head split in two. "I wouldn't be surprised if there were passages we didn't even know about. They've been scouring the Forbidden Forest - they may have found one by accident."

"Then we have to find it, too," Harry declared, storming out of the room with a purpose. He was angry and until he did something that he deemed productive, he'd be in an awful mood.

I looked over at Seamus, silently asking him a question. He rolled his eyes, nodded and left the room, albeit unhappily.

Remus didn't look up at me. He stayed in his corner of the room and stared at the floor. He looked worse than I'd ever seen him and I couldn't believe it.

"I'm so sorry, Hollie."

I sighed and attempted to sit up. He rushed to my side to help me and eventually my back was safely against the headboard and I was in slightly less pain. Finally, Remus looked at me. His eyes were so full of pain and blame and anger… I'd only ever seen him this self-deprecating once.

ϟ

_I walked into the kitchen at The Burrow and found Remus sitting at the kitchen bench staring at his hands. _

_Something was wrong._

_"Depressed?"_

_He looked up, surprised. "What?"_

_"You look depressed," I said. "Are you?"_

_"No."_

_"Then what are you?"_

_"Annoyed."_

_"You don't look annoyed."_

_"What do I look like then?"_

_"Depressed."_

_He sighed, obviously not wanting to get into the endless annoying circle that was a conversation with Hollie Potter. He'd been in few conversations with me and most of them took place while we were both at Hogwarts. We'd occasionally have tea in his office but I had wanted to stay well away from him, knowing full well that I was likely to turn a teenage crush into something far more destructive._

_"Maybe I am."_

_"Maybe you are what?"_

_"Depressed."_

_I sat down beside him. "Why would you be depressed?"_

_Looking up at me, he seemed to be weighing up his options. Finally, he decided. "Tonks is pregnant."_

_I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. Tonks was pregnant. Remus and Tonks were pregnant. They were going to be a family._

_"This isn't a happy thing?"_

_"No," Remus murmured. "What if it's like me?"_

_"A werewolf?"_

_He nodded glumly. "How could I live with myself?"_

_"Is it even genetic?"_

_"I don't know," he said. "Nobody's ever wanted to get close enough to one to want to reproduce with them."_

_Except Tonks. And me._

_"Then stop beating yourself up and get home to your wife, who probably needs you and is likely freaking out exactly as much as you are. This isn't something you just sulk over, Remus."_

_Again, he looked into my eyes. He seemed so ashamed of himself, in so much pain. And his pain became my pain._

_ϟ_

"Stop it."

Remus looked startled. "Sorry?"

"Just stop," I sighed. "Stop blaming yourself. There was nothing you could've done."

"If I'd just moved you…"

"Well as much as I would've liked to have been moved from the hallway, unless Neville was next to me when you found me there, there's a good chance I'd been poisoned already."

"We could've found it sooner."

"And what? I haven't died, have I? As far as I'm concerned, everyone came out a winner here."

"You're in pain."

"Story of my life."

We continued looking into each other's eyes. I was barely feeling anything but I could still feel the hurt of being ignored this last week, of walking into his quarters and seeing Tonks there.

"I want to apologise," I said.

Remus's eyebrows shot up. "You want to apologise to me? You didn't do anything!"

"I yelled at you and I yelled at Tonks. I was rude and I said some awful things. That warrants an apology, right?"

"It was the poison," Remus explained. "It made you delirious. Madame Pomfrey said it might do that."

I sighed. "I did say I _wanted _to apologise."

Pause.

"But I can't."

"You can't?"

"I meant it, Remus. Every word. Even if it came out wrong or I shouldn't have said anything, I still meant it. Even if it's just because I love you."

He looked stunned. And then he got up and left.

ϟ

A week later and I was finally released from the Hospital Wing.

"Remember to take some of this every night," Madame Pomfrey said as she handed me a large bottle of something purple. "I'm still not sure how much poison you had in you."

"That's a comforting thought," I smiled, winking at her.

She shook her head. "At least your sense of humour has returned."

Harry was waiting for me outside and I scoffed at his appearance. "You don't have to chauffer me everywhere, Harry. I promise not to fall asleep in anymore hallways."

"Well we don't know how anyone got in here so until we know I'm not leaving you alone."

His tone was final and I knew better than to argue with him. "Fine. Any word on Neville yet?"

"Not yet," his eyes darkened. "I don't even know why anyone would kidnap Neville. I know why they'd kill you – to get at me – but why Neville?"

I thought back to a conversation we'd had on patrol once. "Neville said to me once that if you know the way the plants grow in the forest, it's easy to track down missing items. There's actually a specific plant that encapsulates anything magical and uses its power to grow. If you were to find the tallest one of these, it'd be a safe bet that's where the stone is."

Harry looked shocked. "And you think they heard you?"

"I think there's a good chance they've known we've been watching them the whole time."

"Perfect," Harry growled. "That's just great. So what, they're going to use Neville to find the stone? Why didn't we do that?"

"Because we'd already agreed to let them find it first, and it's not as if Neville could just step out of the shadows and offer them a friendly hand," I shrugged.

I was nervous. I was so worried about Neville. And how was Luna coping with all of this? I couldn't even think about the fact that this was probably my fault – leave it to me to fall asleep in hallways and get someone kidnapped in the process.

"Have you spoken to Remus?"

The question shocked me but I didn't show it. "Not since he left the Hospital Wing."

"I think he's still pretty broken up about it. He bloody well should be, as far as I'm concerned. What was he thinking, leaving you there?"

"If you were sleeping in a hallway, I'd leave you there," I smiled, winking at him.

He rolled his eyes. "But you're the person who once took up the floorboards in our room and covered it with a sheet so I'd fall through. We're siblings; that's the kind of thing we do. He's meant to be responsible for you."

"When did he become responsible for me?"

"When you started having an affair."

"Oh, for God's sake," I sighed, annoyed. "For the last time, there was no affair."

"I will never believe that."

"Well that's your problem."

We entered the Great Hall and to my surprise, nobody stopped. It was a relief, actually – the amount of times Harry had fallen ill and returned to normal life, everyone had turned to stare at him the second he entered a room. That was one of the wonderful things about being the Un-chosen One – nobody cared.

Hermione and Ginny, however, were a different story.

They were both lunging at me within seconds and I got hair of all kinds in my mouth.

"Guys," I choked. "You're cutting off my air supply."

"We're glad you're okay," Hermione said, peering at me nervously as though I'd broken something.

"Sure," I laughed. "You were so concerned you took all that time out to come and visit me, huh?"

Ginny looked sheepish. "We were doing something for the Order and couldn't make it back until now."

"Don't worry about it," I smiled, hugging them both in a slightly more restrained manner. Although I loved Dean and Seamus, it was nice to have female friends sometimes.

I did notice Remus purposefully avoiding looking in my general direction, but strangely enough, it didn't really bother me. I knew I'd done something so awful that whatever relationship we had was irreparable in admitting that I thought Tonks was a bad mother and didn't do enough for the Order, so maybe my nonchalance was something like acceptance.

But then he looked at me, and it startled me how much longing was in his eyes. He didn't look mad which sure as Hell surprised me. When he'd stormed out of the Hospital Wing I was sure he'd never speak to me again.

Surprising me even more, he motioned towards the door and stood up, making his way surreptitiously out of the Hall.

I grabbed a piece of toast off the nearby table and waved at Harry and the girls. "I'm gonna go lie down."

"You've been laying down all week," Harry frowned.

"Yeah and now I'm a little woozy from all the excitement," I shrugged. "I'll come out for lunch."

Harry looked over my shoulder and, probably seeing Remus exiting the Hall, rolled his eyes. "See you then."

Since being poisoned, he'd been way nicer about everything. Nearly dying is kind of nice.

ϟ

"I don't know what I'm doing."

I'd barely gotten through the door to his quarters when Remus went into a spiel, rambling about how he didn't know what to do or how he felt or what it meant.

"Woah," I held up my hands for him to stop. "Calm down! I can only process so much at once."

"Sorry," he said, sitting down on the couch with his head in his hands. "I don't even know what I'm saying."

"Well that makes two of us."

"You almost died, Hollie."

"Yeah, and I didn't. Let's move on. What do you want?"

He stared up at me. "I want you. I thought that much was obvious."

My heart was pounding at a thousand miles and I felt like it was going to jump right out of my mouth. "I don't understand."

"I don't know why," he said. "I don't know what it is about you that renders me completely incapable of rational thought. I just know that the last few weeks without you have been Hell."

I nodded. "So what do we do?"

"I only know what I do. What you do is completely your choice. I wouldn't blame you if you told me to go away."

Rolling my eyes, I sat beside him. "You know I won't do that. Although given what's happened the last few weeks, I'm not sure what we can do. Continuing this would be wrong."

"That didn't stop you from starting it," Remus pointed out.

"This is true," I agreed. "But I'm also an evil, vindictive cow. You're not that person."

"What makes you think you're evil and vindictive?"

"Oh please," I laughed. "I've known what I've been doing this whole time. Hell, I did it all on purpose and with little remorse."

My tone turned serious. "I feel like I'm becoming that song, Remus. Like I'm doing so many bad things that I'm losing any sense of humanity. I feel like I'm becoming the bad guy."

"Come on, Hollie. You'll never be the bad guy. You're misguided, yes, but aren't we all? I'm doing the same things you are."

"But you hate it," I pointed out. "You hate that you're doing this to her. You hate that you feel this way. You hate that you can't stay away from me. I don't feel any of that."

Remus looked mildly bemused. He put his hand on my knee and gently squeezed. "I do hate it. That's why I have to leave her."

Silence.

I stared at Remus for a good five minutes before I managed to stutter out one word – "What?"

"I'm leaving Tonks, Hollie," Remus sighed. "I can't keep doing this to her. When you came into my quarters last week we were trying to talk through all our problems but we were just going around in circles."

At that moment, everything hit me. All the guilt and the heartache flooded through me and I looked at the floor, unsure of what to do with all of it. "I told you I wasn't going to be a homewrecker, Remus."

"What did you plan for then? Did you plan to just keep doing this forever?"

"No, but –"

"But what? You must have had some idea of what you wanted. What is it that you want if you don't want this?"

I looked up at him and he was defiant. He'd made up his mind. And I was reacting in a totally different way than what I ever dreamed I would. "I don't want Teddy to not have a father. I don't want people to look at us and know that I was the reason his parents split up. I hate it when people notice me, Remus."

"I notice you," he mumbled.

"And I love that you notice me. But I don't want everyone else to."

Remus smiled at me weakly. "Regardless of what you want me to do, Hollie, I have to leave Tonks. It's not just you – the problems between us have been evident for a while – ever since Teddy was born, actually. I'm not even saying that we're going to jump right into a relationship the second it's over, because I don't know if I'll even be ready for that. I'm not leaving her for you. I'm leaving her for me."

Frowning, I tilted my head to the side and stared him down, daring him to lie to me. "You promise?"

He smiled, took my hand in his and kissed it gently. "I promise."

* * *

><p><strong>Hell, I've just noticed thirty thousand spelling errors at the end of this page and I'm not going back to fix them. If this is the worst thing you've read since the story you wrote when you were eight, my apologies.<strong>


	15. Chapter 15

**I couldn't leave the last chapter too long because I'm well aware that it sucks. I can't even read the reviews because I feel sick at how awful it was. My bad.**

* * *

><p><strong>CHAPTER FIFTEEN: ANGELS HAVE NO THOUGHT OF EVER RETURNING YOU, WOULD THEY BE ANGRY IF I THOUGHT OF JOINING YOU?<strong>

Another week went by and we still hadn't heard anything about Neville.

I was in a panic. Everyone was glum and miserable. Luna was in a state of serene anxiety, if that state even exists (and let's face it, if it didn't, Luna would be the one to invent it). We weren't sure what we could do other than what we were doing, and what we were doing wasn't working.

"We're no closer to finding the stone," I said to Harry and Remus at lunch one day. "We keep running patrols in the hopes they'll show up but with Lucius Malfoy at the helm we know they aren't going to be that stupid. Our searches have yielded no results. We need to do something else."

"Like what?" Harry asked through a mouthful of toast.

I shrugged. "Something! _Anything. _I'd settle for sporadically sending curses via owl to anyone within a thirty kilometre radius of Malfoy's house."

"That'd be helpful," Remus chuckled.

"Well I'm sick of doing nothing! I want Neville back."

"We'll find him."

"When?" I half screeched. "When it's too late? We're not being proactive!"

"There's nothing else we can do," Remus said calmly.

I rolled my eyes and stood up, frantic, wanting to do anything but sit around. "Well I don't know about that."

I stormed out of the hall, not even sure why I was so angry. It was probably a combination of things. Neville was still gone and it was almost entirely my fault. Nothing we were doing was enough. I had doubts whether I wanted Remus to leave Tonks and, if he did, what would happen next.

I'd never thought it all the way through. It was one thing to want Remus, one thing to love him, but another thing altogether to have him leave Tonks and be with me. Was that really what I wanted? Was this more about the chase than the catch?

Before I knew it, I was fuming. I was so mad at myself, not sure why anyone was even still speaking to me given the trouble I'd caused. I wanted to _do _something.

Before I knew it, I was heading towards McGonagall's office.

** ϟ**

"What you're suggesting is insane."

"I know."

"It would almost certainly never work."

"I'm aware."

McGonagall was peering at me through her glasses and she seemed to be weighing up the options. On one hand, assaulting Malfoy Manor was crazy as he'd surely be smart enough to have some sort of security. On the other hand, doing nothing was driving everyone mad. Affirmative action needed to be taken.

"You are sure you could lead this assault?"

Slowly, I nodded. "We have to do something. We know Malfoy has some kind of prison dungeon so it stands to reason that they're holding him there. Surveying the house isn't helping. We need to go in."

I could tell she agreed with me that we needed to take some action but the idea of another fight so soon after the war ended understandably frightened her. We lost so many people…

"Okay," she agreed. "We'll call an Order meeting tonight and discuss it. As far as I'm concerned it may be our only option but we all need to be together on this."

"Of course."

I got up to leave but McGonagall gave me a look that said she wasn't done. "Miss Potter, is everything okay?"

Slowly, I nodded. "Yeah. Why wouldn't I be okay?"

"I just want to make sure you're not blaming yourself for Longbottom's disappearance."

All I could do was stare at my hands. Of course it was my fault! Who falls asleep in a hallway? Despite how safe we always think Hogwarts is, we know it's not infallible. We've seen people come in and tear things apart before – just look at the previous year! I suffered more torment than anyone else in the entire school and I would never feel completely safe here again, yet I can still sit in a hallway alone?

When I voiced this to McGonagall, she nodded understandingly. "I see why you would think that, but if they hadn't found Neville immediately there was no telling what they'd do. So much worse could have happened."

"Worse than them trying to kill me and kidnap Neville?"

"They could have hurt so many others."

I saw what she meant. It was her job to make sure the whole school was safe and it must've been weighing on her mind that someone had gotten in without her knowledge or consent.

Smiling, I nodded. "I know. Thanks Minnie."

"Don't call me that again."

"Sorry."

** ϟ**

Everyone at the Order meeting was in agreement – it seems I wasn't the only one out for… well, not blood, but vengeance, maybe.

"Let's do it tonight!" Ron cheered, pumping his fist in the air.

The rest of us rolled our eyes at his enthusiasm but I wasn't far off doing the same thing myself.

"Ron, it'll take careful planning to get in and out, or do you not remember the last time?" Hermione scolded her boyfriend. He looked sheepish and said nothing.

Happy that everyone was in agreement, I stood up. "I'm really tired, everyone, so I'll let you fill me in tomorrow."

We'd been using the Room of Requirement as a makeshift meeting room to save us having to leave the school. Everyone was nervous that the Death Eaters knew a way in so the less time we had to spend away, the better.

No sooner had I closed the door behind me and gotten ten paces up the hallway that I knew Remus had followed me. So much for being stealthy.

"Hollie," he fell into step with me. "Mind if I walk with you?"

"Does it matter if I mind?"

He stopped. "What's wrong with you lately?"

I paused but I didn't turn around. I was thinking about what I was trying to say to him in the wake of everything that had happened in a single fortnight. Did I even want to say any of it to him? Could I leave him blissfully unaware of his own feelings and live with him happily ever after? Would I be content with that?

Probably not.

"Let's just go to your quarters. We can't have this discussion here."

"Why not?"

"Because, Remus," I sighed, exasperated. "We said we'd be cautious. This is something you're really bad at, by the way."

He grinned sheepishly but it didn't take away the fear in his eyes. Maybe he knew already what I was going to say. Maybe he didn't want to hear it.

We arrived at his quarters and sat down on opposite ends of the couch, as we had done a lot lately. Instead of the peaceful ignorance of the world around us from weeks before, we were suddenly awkward and unsure. We didn't touch, nor did we really speak. We just sat there, listened to those old records that once made us laugh and dance and sing, and stared at our hands.

"You're ending it, aren't you?"

His question took me by surprise. "Ending what?"

"This."

"There isn't really a 'this', Remus."

"Whatever it is, it's over, right?"

I sighed. "I need to explain something to you, and I need you to not say anything while I do. I need you to completely understand why this is happening. Can you do that?"

God, he looked so confused. He looked like an abandoned puppy that didn't understand what it'd done wrong. It broke my heart, as my heart would continue to break, but I'd already tricked him into starting this relationship. I couldn't trick him into anything else.

"Look," I began. "I know you. I know everything about you. I've watched you every day for five years. I know your moods and your attitude and the way you move. I don't even think you know you as well as I do. And that's why you can't leave Tonks."

He opened his mouth to argue but I covered it with my hand, glaring. "You promised you would shut up!"

Sighing, he nodded and motioned zipping his mouth shut.

"I know you're not a bad person. You're one of the most morally upstanding people I've ever known, and that includes Hermione who is basically a girl scout. You would not have married Tonks if you didn't love her and I don't believe that you don't love her now. I think you're confused."

I paused for effect. He seemed to be taking it all in, not sure whether or not to agree.

"You told me that when you were about my age, you were so scared of not having anyone. But you had Sirius and my dad and you thought you guys were going to be like brothers forever. Now that you've lost them both, I think you're clinging to anything that reminds you of that friendship and that innocence, and I think that's why you think you want to be with me. I represent something you no longer have."

As I said the words, ones I hadn't ever rehearsed or even knew myself, I knew it was true. I even looked like my dad! That would be enough to confuse anyone.

Harry had told me months ago that Remus had come to him after he found out Tonks was pregnant and begged him to let him go with them on their mission to save the world. Harry had rightfully sent him back to Tonks. That's what I had to do now.

Remus was looking at me, his eyes filled with sadness as he realised that I was right. Usually I loved being right. This time I hated myself for it.

"You remind me of your mother, you know."

I smiled. "How so?"

"She, too, had incredibly strong morals. That's why she didn't start dating your father until a long time after he initially asked. She knew what he was like."

"What, was he a huge lothario or something?" I grinned, rolling my eyes at the thought.

Remus shrugged, laughing. "She definitely thought he was. In truth, he never really dated anyone before her. He was infatuated with her from the time he was thirteen and he didn't stop until he won her. He loved her right up until the day they both died, and I daresay long after."

It was a sad thought. No sooner had my parents got it together that they had everything ripped away from them. I felt a little like I was dying at that moment, leaving behind everything I thought I wanted to fight for. In the end, I didn't want a Remus that would regret being with me months or even years down the track. I wanted one that had no ties, nothing to give up for me. I wanted one that really wanted me, just because I was me.

** ϟ**

When I left Remus's quarters that night, I felt that my conscience was, for the most part, clear. I still felt like something was amiss, like maybe I was wrong after all, like maybe we should tell Tonks the truth in the interest of being honest.

"That's his problem," I mumbled to myself, not really believing it.

Then I opened my door and saw Tonks on my couch.

Nervously, I looked around for some sort of escape. She wasn't smiling like she normally was, even when her smile was sarcastic. Not that I blamed her – I had called her a bad mother just two weeks prior.

"Wotcher, Hollie."

I was nervous. "Hey, Tonks."

"You know why I'm here?"

"I have an inkling."

She stood up and looked around the room, nodding to herself. "Your password is the same as his."

"Yes."

"What does it mean?"

"It's a song," I told her honestly. "Just a song we listened to once."

"Must've really resonated with him, huh?"

"Tonks, why are you here?"

"Cutting straight to brass tax, are we?" She smiled. "Okay. I'm here because my husband is cheating on me with you."

I was more confounded by her use of a Muggle saying than I was by her declaration. Of course she knew. Tonks was an Auror, and as such, she was trained not to be stupid. She was clumsy, yes, but that didn't stop her from being devastatingly observant.

"Okay," I nodded. "Are you going to launch into your tirade now or are you going to give me a chance to explain?"

"I'm not going to launch into any tirade. I know why he did it. I'm just not sure why you would."

That was surprising. "You're not? The person who knows that I'm in love with her husband doesn't know why I would jump at the chance to be with him?"

"No," she said. "Because we're friends and I thought we trusted each other. I thought I could trust you, more to the point."

"You can't," I told her apologetically.

"Well that much is obvious."

"I'm sorry, Tonks," I said, completely honestly. "I got carried away. I tricked him into thinking he felt something that he didn't."

"And you're quite sure he didn't feel anything?" She asked.

"I am."

She considered this. She didn't look angry, which bothered me. She'd been furious the day she'd caught us out at The Burrow and she was frantic that she was losing him, but she seemed so… serene. It scared me.

"Hollie," she sighed. "I'm not even mad. I'm trying to be but I can't."

I frowned. "Why?"

Shrugging, she looked over into the fire. "I remember what it was like being in love with Remus and not being able to be with him. If the situation was reversed, I'm ninety-eight percent sure I'd do exactly the same thing. So I can't be mad at you."

"But you're not mad at him either?"

"Not really," she said. "We've been having issues with each other for a while. Sometimes I feel like he married me to placate me rather than because he loved me."

I opened my mouth to argue but she gestured for me to stop. "No, it's true. I bullied him into being with me in a similar way to how you tricked him into falling in love with you."

"He's not in love with me."

"He is, Hollie."

She startled me with how calm she was when she said this. I'd just come out of a conversation that went in entirely the opposite direction.

"Tonks," I said quietly. "I've just come from speaking with Remus. He agrees that he was confused, that he was clinging to his past with me. It's over and we're both okay with that. I didn't want to trick him into a relationship and he didn't want to be tricked."

Tonks laughed, and I was immediately more uncomfortable than I was before. I wished she'd yell at me, or slap me, or do anything but be completely understanding. It was creeping me out.

"Hollie, don't you realise that in convincing him of that, you were tricking him anyway? Remus doesn't know what he feels and he'll accept any explanation that we throw his way. If I walked in there and told him he was actually in love with Sirius, I'm sure he'd find a way to accept that too."

"He's not stupid," I grumbled, knowing full well that, like all men, this was probably about right.

"I know he's not stupid, but when it comes to affairs of the heart he's a little misguided. He grew up thinking nobody could ever love him so of course it confuses him when more than one person does."

I'd never considered that, and suddenly I felt stupid for not doing so.

I sat down on the couch next to Tonks and sighed, both of us staring into the fire wondering what to do next.

The fallout from this conversation might not be as bad as I thought it'd be. Tonks seemed surprisingly level-headed. But it didn't change what she was saying – was Remus in love with me? What would I do if he was?

"You know our friendship can't survive this," Tonks said, her voice low and her tone sad.

"I know."

"I can't trust you anymore."

"I know."

"I know I'm being… I dunno… understanding. But that doesn't make this okay. Not even a little."

I turned to face her. "I know, Tonks. And I want you to know how sorry I am for all of this. But it stands to reason that you don't stay best friends with the girl who tried to steal your husband."

She nodded. She looked so far away when I said that.

"Can I ask you one last thing before we finish?"

"Sure," I smiled weakly.

"What do I do now?"

I was stumped. I didn't even know what _I _was going to do now. What do you tell the woman whose husband, by her own admission, didn't love her anymore?

"I guess," I started deliberately. "You talk to Remus. Maybe let him talk. God knows I didn't do a lot of that."

"Maybe," she echoed.

"I don't see what else there is to do. You never know; what you have might be salvageable."

"Not while you're around," she chuckled sadly.

She was right. Not while I was around. He'd be constantly reminded of the fact that he has too many choices to make, and I didn't want to confuse him any more than he was already going to be after speaking with Tonks.

"Maybe," I said slowly. "It's time for me to leave."

"Leave?"

"Leave Hogwarts. Leave London. I've always wanted to travel – maybe now is the right time."

"Don't leave just because of this."

I shrugged. "Why else? If it means you two have a chance… I really want Teddy to grow up in a world where his parents love each other."

Tonks was staring at me, trying to figure out if I was being serious. I didn't even know if I was being serious, but as I explained it to Tonks it even started to make sense to me. Why stay here? What did I honestly offer, what did I have to lose? I wasn't vital to the Order, nor was I vital to anyone else. Who knows what waited for me elsewhere?

"I won't ask you to leave," Tonks said.

"You don't have to," I smiled. "I know what the right thing is to do."

"What about Neville?"

Of course! In all the excitement of conversations with Remus and explanations from Tonks, I'd forgotten that we'd agreed to rescue Neville next week when we were prepared.

"After that. We'll get Neville back first. I owe whoever poisoned me a visit anyway."

* * *

><p><strong>I suck. Sorry for saying this story was going to be long, it won't be. I think when you have kids you lose any creativity you had because you're tired ALL THE TIME. Either way.<strong>


	16. Chapter 16

**CHAPTER SIXTEEN: THOUGH NOTHING WILL KEEP US TOGETHER, WE CAN STEAL TIME JUST FOR ONE DAY**

* * *

><p>"You're not paying attention."<p>

"I am paying attention; I'm just really bad at this."

Harry was exasperated. He'd pulled me into the Room of Requirement at three in the morning two days before we were supposed to go and rescue Neville.

"I'm worried about you," he'd said. "You're a terrible witch and I don't want you to get hurt."

So an hour later, we were standing on opposite sides of the room, both of us tired, one of us fed up.

"It's just a stunning curse!" He practically yelled. "It's really not that difficult!"

I rolled my eyes. "Not for you, Mister I've-Always-Been-Gifted-At-Everything. I'm good at the hypothetical stuff, like history and astronomy. Let's just face that when it comes to the practical, I'm not that fantastic."

"If that's the case, you can't go with us to get Neville."

"It was my idea!"

"And if you can't defend yourself you'll make it harder for everyone else!"

He had me there. I was glaring at him, so desperately needing to sleep and ridiculously stressed out thinking about what was to come, but I knew he was right. I would get someone killed if I didn't learn how to do something.

"Okay," I sighed. "We'll try again. But it's four in the morning, Harry – after this one, I'm going back to bed."

"Fine."

He entered his spell-casting stance, which was ridiculous and was probably the reason I couldn't concentrate. I brandished my wand, trying to prepare myself.

"You ready?"

"Sure."

I opened my mouth to cast the spell but Harry had already yelled, "_PROTEGO!_"

"Hey!" I shouted at him. "What am I meant to do if I can't even get a word in?!"

"Be prepared!" He yelled back, laughing a little bit. I didn't find it very amusing but I thought maybe it was the deliriousness that was making him think this was funny.

I got fed up. "_STUPEFY!_"

It seemed this was the right thing to do – unprepared, the curse hit Harry full in the chest, sending him flying backwards into the padded walls. I dropped my wand and ran to him as he pulled himself up.

"Jesus," I said, concerned. "You hit the wall pretty hard."

Harry grinned at me. "That was really good!"

"Are you kidding?"

"You did exactly what you meant to do," he smiled, patting me on the back. "Nice job, sis."

I was still frowning, so he placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Relax, Hollie, I'm not hurt. Seriously, that was good."

"So can we go to bed now?" I whined, totally aware of how tired I was.

"Yep, let's go."

We picked up our stuff and left the room, making the slow walk back to my quarters. Harry's were on the other side of the school so I'd told him he could sleep on my couch rather than walk all the way back.

"So, I guess this is as good a time as any to tell you something."

Harry looked at me. "Yeah? What's that?"

Deep breath. "I'm leaving."

Pause.

"Leaving."

"Yeah."

"Leaving?"

"Yep."

He stared at me for a moment more before asking me the question I dreaded. "Why?"

And I didn't know what to say to him. If I admitted to him that I had been having an affair with Remus and I was leaving because I didn't want to be a distraction from his and Tonks' relationship anymore, he'd be furious. If I lied to him, he'd eventually find out and he'd be furious. Although he already technically knew about Remus and I, although I hadn't yet admitted it, if I said it out loud it'd make it real.

But I couldn't keep lying to him.

"I guess," I started slowly. "I don't want to break up Remus and Tonks' marriage."

"You had an affair with him, didn't you?"

"I did."

Harry sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "For fucks sake, Hollie."

"I know."

"I'm not sure that you do!" He laughed manically. "What were you thinking? He has a _kid_ Hollie! What, did you think he was going to leave her for you?"

I sighed. "He thought about it. He was pretty set on it, actually. I convinced him not to."

"Oh, so your moral compass finally started working, did it?" He sneered.

"Hey!" I stopped, staring at him incredulously. "I know it was a shitty thing to do, but that doesn't mean you have to be a total shit about it!"

"Hollie, if I don't tell you when you're being an asshole, who's going to?"

"That's not what it was."

"What was it then?"

"I don't know."

"You were _being an asshole_, Hollie. You almost broke up a marriage and now you're leaving because you finally had an attack of the conscience! You're ridiculous! You're low!"

He was being harsher than I thought he'd be. I thought he'd yell and tell me I was being an idiot and that it was probably a good thing I left. I hadn't ever entertained the thought that he'd say it exactly as I knew it was.

"Come on, Harry," I said quietly. "I think that's a little tough."

He laughed, his tone still unforgiving. "Apparently you need someone to be tough on you! We never got the chance to have parents; are you seriously telling me you considered letting someone abandon his family?"

"It wasn't like he would've been dead!" I exploded. "Maybe he finally realised he loved me!"

"Or maybe you tricked him into it!"

"I can't make someone feel something they don't feel, Harry!"

"OF COURSE YOU CAN! Look at what you did to Seamus! You led him on, made him fall in love with you and probably would never have told him the truth! Why do you think I had to step in?!"

Shock.

"Excuse me?"

Harry looked sheepish now. He didn't say anything but I could tell by the look on his face that he'd said something he didn't mean to.

"What do you mean you had to step in?" I asked, glaring at him.

"You were never going to tell him," Harry said to his shoes.

"Are you the reason Seamus broke up with me?"

Harry nodded and I didn't know what to feel. On one hand, it was better that Seamus and I broke up because I knew I didn't love him. On the other hand, what if that hadn't been the case?

I shook my head, trying not to cry. "What if I had loved Seamus? What if I just didn't know how to show it and convinced myself I was better off? What then, Harry?"

"Everyone knew about Remus," he stammered slightly and I knew he was thinking the same thing.

We stood in the middle of the hallway, only ten paces from my quarters but a thousand miles from where we once were.

"We don't even know each other anymore," I whispered.

Harry gulped, nodded and turned around. "I guess not."

As he walked away, probably back to his own quarters, I wondered if that was it for us. Maybe there was no recovering from this fight when we both knew we'd done things so unforgivable in each other's eyes. He may not have understood why I was so upset and I may not have understood his overreaction to something that didn't even involve him, but we were so angry that I didn't know how we'd begin to recover.

That thought stayed with me as I laid in my bed, staring at the ceiling, knowing sleep would evade me for another night.

**ϟ**

There were dark circles under my eyes as I sat between Remus and Seamus the next day at breakfast. Term had ended so everyone had gone home and I was trying as hard as I could not to reflect on the last three months. It didn't even feel like it'd been three months – it felt like decades had passed.

"You alright?"

Seamus looked concerned, as always, but I nodded unconvincingly. "Yeah, just didn't sleep much."

"I heard Harry was taking you to do some refresher on not being awful at things."

"That about sums it up."

"Did it go well?"

Deadpanned, I stared at Seamus, daring him to ask any more questions. "Right."

Most of us were silent. The thought of another fight scared us half to death; would we lose anyone this time? Was Neville okay? Had they even found the stone? What would they do with it when they did?

I ate my cereal with remarkable speed and couldn't get out of there quick enough. Seamus watched after me and I knew that we didn't have much of a friendship anymore. I'd been distant and he knew I'd been lying, even despite our one promise.

When Seamus and I had become best friends, we made a promise to tell each other everything. I told him about the time Dudley locked me in the spare bathroom and nobody noticed for three days, and he told me about the fight his parents had about his mother's magic and his father's lack thereof. Everything we were ashamed of or scared of, we told each other. Except Remus.

It was the reason he didn't speak to me for months after we broke up, because I should've known better than to hide it from him, because he'd fallen in love with me and it had taken him so much time to get back to where we were.

He knew about the affair, of course; he wasn't stupid and as I'd said before, he was annoyingly perceptive. The fact that I didn't tell him would've stung more than anything.

I ran into Tonks on my way out of the Hall.

"Wotcher, Hollie!"

Funny how she was in high spirits again.

"Tonks."

"Are you okay?"

I sighed and rubbed my eyes. "I'm really tired so I'm going to see if I've got any energy left in me to put myself to sleep."

"Ah," she smiled knowingly. "That sounds like life with a baby."

I smiled back at her politely, not really feeling anything except the overwhelming exhaustion.

"So have you told anybody that you're leaving yet?" She asked with civil curiosity.

"I told Harry last night."

"How'd he take it?"

"We're not best friends anymore, let's put it that way."

She paused. "I guess you told him about you-know-what too."

Nodding, I closed my eyes. "It was a disaster. But then he told me something and I got angry so now we're just both angry and I'll be glad to get out of here."

"Any thoughts on where you'll go?"

"Sort of," I shrugged. "I thought maybe France, but I don't like the French, then Australia but I don't like the heat. Maybe LA?"

"I don't know anybody in LA."

"That might not be such a bad thing," I mumbled.

Tonks smiled at me again, this time genuinely. "I'm sorry you're leaving, Hollie."

"I'm not," I smiled back, deciding this was a good time to leave before I passed out right in the middle of the hallway.

She was taking care of Teddy while the rest of us went to Malfoy Manor so I didn't think I'd see her again. I was planning on just taking off once I knew Neville was safe, not wanting to bother with packing or goodbyes or anything trivial. I knew everyone would ask questions and I didn't particularly want to answer them.

By the time I got to my quarters, I was so tired I didn't even bother going up to my bed. I fell onto the couch and by the time my head hit the cushion, I was fast asleep.

**ϟ**

It was dark when I woke up. It almost felt too dark, although I figured that's what happened when day turned into night. But it was quiet, which bothered me.

I put a record on the player and sat back down, looking around as David Bowie filled the room. I didn't know what the time was and for some reason I didn't want to know. I didn't really want to know anything. If I didn't feel so responsible for Neville's disappearance I might've just left right there and then.

Vaguely, I thought I heard someone yelling. Who would be yelling at this hour – whatever hour it was?

Cautiously, I went to the door and poked my head around the corner, only to hear the yelling get louder. It sounded like –

"Oh my God."

I ran in the direction of the Hall and it was getting louder. They were definitely spells, some nasty ones being thrown in with the regular stunning and disarming spells.

"Oh my God," I whispered to myself again, knowing that they'd brought the fight to us.

"_They're mad!" _I thought. _"They can't really expect to win!"_

One door was off its hinges as I ran into the hall and saw everyone bursting out to the front of the castle. There must have been about fifteen of them, some I didn't recognize, a few I definitely did. Amycus Carrow was laughing in Harry's direction, throwing curse after curse at him, Harry just barely dodging them.

"HOW DOES IT FEEL, POTTER?" He yelled in between _Crucio_s. "NOW THAT YOU'VE LOST YOUR SISTER TOO?"

It made perfect sense that it was Amycus who poisoned me.

"_STUPEFY!_" I pointed my wand in his general direction, missing but getting his attention. When he looked over, I suddenly regretted only having one spell and rubbish aim, and told myself that if I got through this, I'd learn something new.

It made me feel slightly better that Amycus looked horrified at me being alive.

"_STUPEFY!_" I yelled again, missing _again_, generating laughs from almost every Death Eater in the room. "_STUPEFY!_"

"Is that the only spell you know, love?" Amycus cackled, pointing his own wand at me. I knew what was coming so I dived just in time.

His "_CRUCIO!_" missed me by an inch and I was glad that I at least had stunning reflexes. Harry had moved on, going to make sure Ginny was okay, and I was suddenly terrified and dismally unprepared. I blanked.

**ϟ**

"_What was the scariest part of it for you?"_

_Remus and I were laying on the bed, our hands entangled in each other's, living in a dream world where nobody else existed. It must have been three in the morning but neither of us noticed. Time didn't seem to move when we were together._

"_I guess," I chose my answer carefully. "The moment Amycus Carrow turned his wand on you."_

"_Really?" Remus looked surprised, although he needn't have been._

"_Yeah. I still sometimes wonder what would have happened if I hadn't been there. And then the fact that I pushed you into Tonks was just dumb luck considering what was heading her way."_

_Ah, but I'd said the forbidden word. We weren't allowed to talk about Tonks, or Seamus for that matter, when we had our moments together. We weren't allowed to remember that anyone else existed. Granted, that was my rule, but I think Remus was happy I'd implemented it. When we started thinking about what we were doing, it started getting harder to do it. _

"_Hollie," Remus started cautiously. "You know I care about you, right?"_

"_Oh, here we go."_

"_No, it's not like that."_

"_Go on, then."_

"_I just…" he seemed to be struggling with the words. "I feel like I really…"_

_I put my hand up against his mouth. "Don't."_

"_Don't?" He said, his voice muffled._

"_Nope. Just kiss me."_

_And he did, and I wondered how it was possible that this could ever be wrong. I'd kissed Seamus hundreds of times and it didn't feel anything like this. It felt like fire was coursing through my whole body, burning gently, smouldering under the surface. _

_I knew, at that moment, what I wanted. I wanted so much more than what we had. I wanted to be as physically close to him as human beings can be without renting living space on the back of someone's head. I could tell he wanted it to by how desperately he was trying not to deepen the kiss, not to let his hands wander up my shirt any further, not to…_

"_Remus."_

"_I know."_

_I bit my lip as he drew away and I shook my head, pulling his face back towards mine. "I want this."_

"_So do I."_

"_But we can't, right?" I asked, not even really asking but confirming. "We can't do this. Not here. Not now."_

_No response. I opened my eyes and he was staring, his eyes full of passion and heat, and he looked just as confused as I was. "We said this was the place."_

"_We did," I recalled our conversation at The Burrow as we desperately tried not to do it there. _

_We stayed silent for a moment. We knew that this… this might be the time. This might be the only time. _

_Our eyes met again and it was like a silent agreement. _

_This was the time._

_He linked his fingers with mine, squeezing gently, and kissed me again, this time deeper, not holding back. It felt like a dream. This _had _to be a dream._

**ϟ**

"HOLLIE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

Dean rammed into me, knocking me onto the floor as a suspiciously green curse flew past my ear.

"What?"

"WHAT WAS THAT?" Dean yelled unnecessarily in my ear. "THIS ISN'T THE TIME TO BE DAYDREAMING!"

He jumped to his feet and ran towards whoever it was that tried to kill me, immediately engaging them.

Oh my God, I'd been daydreaming _in the middle of a fight that may end up killing someone. _I really wasn't very good at this magic thing.

I pulled Seamus into a corner, making sure to keep an eye out. "Seamus, what is going on?!"

"Well I don't know if you'd noticed," he said sarcastically. "But there are currently Death Eaters at Hogwarts and they're trying to kill everyone."

"Thanks," I spat. "But WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE?!"

Seamus sighed, exasperated. "They came to get the stone, Hollie, and they have it! THEY HAVE THE FUCKING STONE. We caught them coming out of the forest, it's like they weren't even trying to hide it."

"Where's Neville?"

"We haven't seen him," Seamus said. "We're guessing they left him at the Manor after he told them what they needed."

Neither of us entertained the possibility that they'd killed him.

I had to think fast. Someone needed to get out and make sure Neville was okay. That someone had to be somebody that couldn't hold off the Death Eaters, leaving behind the people that could. Obviously, that person was me.

"Here's the deal," I whispered hurriedly. "I'm going to run towards Hogsmeade and apparate to Malfoy Manor. I'll get Neville, I just need you lot to stop these guys from killing me before I make it there."

"You're mad!"

"I'm the only one who has absolutely no use here."

"They won't have left him unattended."

"I can handle one or two, Seamus."

He looked nervous about it, and honestly I was too. Could I really hold off one or two? I'd never been alone with people who wanted to kill me before – besides the ones in Hogsmeade that would definitely have killed me if Remus hadn't shown up.

Without giving Seamus a chance to argue further, I took off at full speed towards the doors. Luckily for me, going to a school where almost everyone wanted to beat my brother and I to a pulp, we learned to run fast, so I sped past everyone with remarkable speed and made it out the doors.

"For the love of God," I said breathily to myself. "Let them know what I'm doing."

Thankfully, they seemed to be aware. As curses started flying past my head, I heard the Order start some kind of formation designed to block them out. I didn't dare look behind me to see if that was, indeed, what they were doing.

I just ran.

* * *

><p><strong>A few notes:<strong>

**The last few song titles (in the interest of copyright and all that) are as follows:**

**CHAPTER TWELVE: Some Streets Lead Nowhere by Matthew Ryan**

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN: Handcuffs by Brand New**

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN: I'm On Fire by Bruce Springsteen**

**CHAPTER FIFTEEN: Gloomy Sunday by Billie Holiday**

**Fun fact about Gloomy Sunday - it was originally written by a Hungarian composer and was nicknamed "The Hungarian Suicide Song" due to the sheer amount of people that committed suicide after hearing it. It was reportedly ****banned by several radio stations and even the Billie Holiday rendition was banned by the BBC for "being detrimental to wartime morale". **

**So yeah, pretty happy song that one. It's beautiful though, I recommend a swift download. The Sarah McLachlan and Sinead O'Conner versions are quite nice if you're not into '40s music.**

**Music lesson over!**


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